The more time I spend with EF the more I realize that there is something inherently flawed within my persona. I mean, what normally functional adult human being would allow herself to get deeper and deeper into a situation which is pre-destined to end oh-so-very badly? What am I talking about? Well.... EF has spun a very complicated and precarious web of sex, lies and deceit.
Pull one flimsy, sticky thread and the whole thing is ruined. No, wait. Let me try and be fair... if not completely ruined then permanently and irreparably damaged and altered. The man has an amazing knack of landing on his feet! Anyways, I am torn between being flattered or furious that he would tell me all the nitty gritty details of the bad things he's done by perpetuating the Great I'm Faithful Lie against his Significant Other. Is it a compliment or an insult that he would tell me so much about what he's done, how he's done it and who he's done it with?
Does that mean he respects me too much to perpetuate the lies or too little to bother keeping up the pretense? Could it be both?
Maybe the more important indicator of my own issues is the fact that out of the entire saga THIS is what I choose to focus on?
Have I stooped so low that I would knowingly put up with being his other, other, other (I don't really know how many of us we are)woman? Is this the Great Female Twenty-Something Dream I envisaged for myself? The answer to the last question is a resounding HELL NO.
So what makes me continue to be a willing if recalcitrant participant in this dramatic tragedy?
Let's go for the gold here, with a list!!
REASONS I'M IN A SCREWED UP NOT-RELATIONSHIP:
1. It's EASY. Well maybe not easy as such but easier. Than dating and having emotional investments and expectations. For the first time ever, I get to be really selfish with all the deep and abiding affections that I have to give. I don't have to explain myself to him because he has no right to expect those things from me. And vice versa. The only validation I seek from him is in his hands, his kisses and in his bed.
2. It's a learning experience. I am learning stuff about men, women and how we relate to each other. Mars and Venus on the Street Yo! Heh. Lame joke I know. Anyhoodle, the constant requirement of the fantasy, whatever it may be for that man or woman is something I have observed in my... err.. studies.
3. GREAT GREAT GREAT S#! - In fact its the best I've ever had. Okay, I am not ashamed to admit that IT is a huge factor, probably the deciding factor in my continued involvement with the morass of selfish amorality that is this tangled web.
4. I like the guy. Plain and simple. We get along most of the time, he's pretty funny, witty and knows a thing or two about a thing or two (not THAT thing or two... well actually that one too). If I were to play a video montage of our best moments, at least half of them would involve hm saying something witty or reacting to a situation in a humorous way. He really is a fascinating human-being, a curious blend of caring, controlling and distant. Yeah how'd you like them apples??
5. I am curious to know what exactly brings his orbit into mine, time after time. Is it my unique personality, my ability to get along with his friends, is it because I make it easy, do I make him feel like a God, is it because he genuinely gives some modicum of a flying fuck about me? Or is it all of the above? None of the above?
I realize that I will probably never know, I also am very aware of the fact that this shit is transient. The last time I saw him as him and I may very well have been the last time. How does that make me feel? Honestly? A little petrified. I don't see myself adjusting to having no fall-back guy very well. How lame and selfish is that? VERY.
I'm gonna watch myself some television, BSG will do the trick. Hey at least I'm not as frakked up as one of my all-time favorite television characters, Starbuck!
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