Piercing the Veil

The Kremlin's Red Square at night... yeah that's right I couldn't get the right mode on my BRAND NEW DIGITAL CAMERA!

Still I like the dreamy, surreal quality that came out.

It was bitingly cold that night though but bloody brilliantly beautiful I tell you!

I called this post "Piercing the Veil" because I learned once again that you shouldn't believe all the hype. Russia was awesome and so different from any other country I've ever been to. First in a series of ramblings about the Motherland... not my Motherland but Russian peoples'... get it? Ahh forget it next pretty picture!

Don't play it again Sam, I need to forget how it goes

Dahlings!

Its been a very long time since I have posted on this baby. Livejournal and real life have eaten into my time for blogging here.

Also, I was having some kind of crisis or to be more precise crises that were occupying my time. The time however, has come for me to change my ways. So in order to immortalise this decision I choose to write this here.

So here's to a new year, and a new attitude... I've traversed the 2009/2010 bridge more than a little worse for wear, I lost somebody very, very close to me. In fact they were the closest person I have ever been to or trusted. I went through my grieving/bitter/vitriolic phase, so yay for that cesspit of bile being over... I'm still mad at the world but it's now containable and shoved away in the back of the store-room that is my brain.

In the interests of embracing this crazy mixed up rollercoaster ride called life, I am getting rid of all my hangups or at least trying to, starting with the way I have viewed and treated the men I've been attracted to in my life.

No more emotional fuckwits (EFs), commitment phobes or pansy-ass pansies. And from me, no more unrealistic expectations and incessant, unhelpful neurotic nitpicking. I definitely don't want to be a spinster or a crazier person than I already am.

Professionally speaking, I'm going to write the dreaded conversions from English law to ZW law. See where that takes me, hey!?

I now have steady, constant and dependable internet access so I'm pretty excited about this new stage of the blogging relationship. I do have to go and pretend to work right now however, so bye for now.

xx Dulce

P.S. LOST, 24 and HEROES are OVER! What a crazy decade or so it has been hey!?

Single and Fabulous?

The more time I spend with EF the more I realize that there is something inherently flawed within my persona. I mean, what normally functional adult human being would allow herself to get deeper and deeper into a situation which is pre-destined to end oh-so-very badly? What am I talking about? Well.... EF has spun a very complicated and precarious web of sex, lies and deceit.

Pull one flimsy, sticky thread and the whole thing is ruined. No, wait. Let me try and be fair... if not completely ruined then permanently and irreparably damaged and altered. The man has an amazing knack of landing on his feet! Anyways, I am torn between being flattered or furious that he would tell me all the nitty gritty details of the bad things he's done by perpetuating the Great I'm Faithful Lie against his Significant Other. Is it a compliment or an insult that he would tell me so much about what he's done, how he's done it and who he's done it with?

Does that mean he respects me too much to perpetuate the lies or too little to bother keeping up the pretense? Could it be both?

Maybe the more important indicator of my own issues is the fact that out of the entire saga THIS is what I choose to focus on?

Have I stooped so low that I would knowingly put up with being his other, other, other (I don't really know how many of us we are)woman? Is this the Great Female Twenty-Something Dream I envisaged for myself? The answer to the last question is a resounding HELL NO.

So what makes me continue to be a willing if recalcitrant participant in this dramatic tragedy?

Let's go for the gold here, with a list!!

REASONS I'M IN A SCREWED UP NOT-RELATIONSHIP:

1. It's EASY. Well maybe not easy as such but easier. Than dating and having emotional investments and expectations. For the first time ever, I get to be really selfish with all the deep and abiding affections that I have to give. I don't have to explain myself to him because he has no right to expect those things from me. And vice versa. The only validation I seek from him is in his hands, his kisses and in his bed.

2. It's a learning experience. I am learning stuff about men, women and how we relate to each other. Mars and Venus on the Street Yo! Heh. Lame joke I know. Anyhoodle, the constant requirement of the fantasy, whatever it may be for that man or woman is something I have observed in my... err.. studies.

3. GREAT GREAT GREAT S#! - In fact its the best I've ever had. Okay, I am not ashamed to admit that IT is a huge factor, probably the deciding factor in my continued involvement with the morass of selfish amorality that is this tangled web.

4. I like the guy. Plain and simple. We get along most of the time, he's pretty funny, witty and knows a thing or two about a thing or two (not THAT thing or two... well actually that one too). If I were to play a video montage of our best moments, at least half of them would involve hm saying something witty or reacting to a situation in a humorous way. He really is a fascinating human-being, a curious blend of caring, controlling and distant. Yeah how'd you like them apples??

5. I am curious to know what exactly brings his orbit into mine, time after time. Is it my unique personality, my ability to get along with his friends, is it because I make it easy, do I make him feel like a God, is it because he genuinely gives some modicum of a flying fuck about me? Or is it all of the above? None of the above?

I realize that I will probably never know, I also am very aware of the fact that this shit is transient. The last time I saw him as him and I may very well have been the last time. How does that make me feel? Honestly? A little petrified. I don't see myself adjusting to having no fall-back guy very well. How lame and selfish is that? VERY.

Aargh!

I'm gonna watch myself some television, BSG will do the trick. Hey at least I'm not as frakked up as one of my all-time favorite television characters, Starbuck!

January 23 2009

Another weekend draws to a close and I have nothing exciting to report… not that when exciting things happen I report them anyway. But if something exciting had happened to me I would have been telling y’all all about it right now. Since nothing exciting did happen…. Oh God. I am having one of those MONDAYS!

I can just see that annoying guy in Office Space saying to Jennifer Aniston, “Uh-oh looks like someone has a case of the Mondays!” I too give him the finger.

So word on the info superhighway-street is that the first new episode of BSG was like, “Oh my FRAKKING GODS!” I am so bloody jealous of everyone who’s watched the ep or will get to watch it before me, in fact I hope their eyeballs fall out. There I said it, judge me if you must.

But seriously, I have to say I am impressed by RDM and Co for doing such a great job when the show is like totally unsung (by the general public, the critics love ‘em and with darn good reason)!

Speaking of last week, I am so glad it’s over. It was a very stressful time for me, namely because I have been cut-off from my support unit and I was feeling the burn pretty bad this week. You know the family members that you love to bits and you rely on as a source of happiness or whatever? Yeah, it’s real tough but that’s life. People move all the time, I am one of the biggest perpetrators of that crime, but the shoe fits differently on the other foot.

Anyhoodle, it makes me look at my life from a very existentialist point of view and I am not impressed with what I see. It is very evident that I had become very CRUTCHY lately. In fact I made so much of a crutch out of my family members that there is a gaping void of not-knowing-what-to-do with my spare time without my crutches. If my TOK (theory of knowledge) teacher could see me now!

So in typical knee-jerk reaction style I was hoping to meet up with my emotional fuck-wit ex-boyfriend instead this weekend and it didn’t happen. Hmmm… funny story about the ex-boyfriend part of the label; I mentioned something about ‘when we went out’ to his flatmate a couple weeks ago and EF totally blasted me.

Well not blasted me in the literal sense, this was very subtle but the result was the same.
Okay let me transcribe the convo to the best of my abilities:

ME to EF’s flatmate: “Ask EF (emotional-fuckwit), I’m a great girlfriend… Isn’t that right EF!?”

EF: “What are you talking about, we never dated?”

ME: “Okay, but if we had dated I would have been kick-ass right?”
EF gives a non-answer type of mutter and disappears into another room.

EF’s Flatmate looks at me like, ‘Tough one!’

I think, ‘Okay EF you don’t have to be a bastard about it, we totally had a thing and it could have been a real relationship if you weren’t such a FUCKWIT. And you could have totally not made me look like some crazy groupie chick if you weren’t so up your own arse! Aargh! What am I still doing here?!’

Yeah, this is not helping my case of the Mondays, I’m signing off in self-disgust. Might as well continue working on my new chapter for ACNJ, it’s 25% written. So Yay!

Xxxx

P.S. Seriously, what is wrong with me? I’m 26, and am like seriously not getting any younger, why, pray-tell, am I fooling around with wahas (Somalian for that one – don’t ask me where I learned that word) instead of getting on the marriage and babies bandwagon!?

Ugh, which reminds me, 7 that is right SEVEN, one number up from SIX of my girlfriends got hitched in 2008. AND it looks like my best friend had a baby… Yeah a baby and she like totally didn’t bother to tell me she was preggers let alone that she had had a BABY.

Maybe that’s her way of putting me on Best Friend Notice, I wonder if that is a two weeks deal or it’s an instant See Ya Later Beotch! Yeesh, I so thought I’d have my shit together by the time I turned 26 and from the looks of things, I totally don’t. I’m losing friends left right and center… well just my best friend but isn’t a BF equivalent to a bunch of good friends?

At least my other best friend (we were a team in High School, we were called Team Bitch actually) told me she was pregnant, she’ll be having the baby in a few months. So much for our happy threesome, it’s turning out to be a very morose lonesome seeing as I am not in a serious relationship and about to have a baby, nor am I married with a baby. SHIT!! When did events get so far ahead of me? I feel like I’m in the 400m relay and I’ve dropped the baton and sprained my ankle at the same time while every one is racing ahead of me to the finish line.

Wow, and we’re only in our third week of January. What a year its turning out to be!

I’m sure everything will be better once Obama’s inaugurated tomorrow. Yeah, I must make a note to myself to write Obama a letter on how sorting out the various fucked up areas of my life should be top of his to-do list once he’s in the Oval Office.

Hey, y’all have heard about the Butterfly Effect, helping me out might result in lasting peace in the Middle East or the end of World Poverty. Sweet Lord, I’ll even settle for the exit of Matthew Fox and the Jack character on LOST… sorry the guy just bugs me.

Okay I’m really gone now, I’m getting dirty looks from my boss who thinks I’m being a very industrious employee working very hard on my latest assignment… let’s not kill the dream. Gotta leave folks with something to believe in… So, peace, I’m out!

I Can't Believe Its Over

December 30th 2008

I can’t believe there is only one day left to the year 2008. I can’t say I will be sad to see it go nor can I say I am ecstatic it’s over.

This year has served as a daunting challenge I never thought I would overcome… well at least not consciously…. The subconscious on the other hand is a funny thing.

Starting off with personal reasons, I’ve been to the inner circle of hell and back. There were so many times when I just wanted to throw in the towel. So many moments of uncertainty.

When I moved from England last year I initially thought it was going to be like a 3 month hiatus then I’d be back in the hustle and bustle of London doing my lawyer thing and all.

Now its been a year and two months since I moved from London, a city which I miss (not as often as one might think) dearly.

London to me is where I entered a very crucial stage of my metamorphosis from teenager to adult. So many firsts happened for me there; boyfriends, degrees, failures, successes, heartbreaks, close-calls, jobs, true development and experimentation of my fashion or style sense…. You name it I think it happened to me there.

When I left London I faced a yawning black hole of just not knowing what to do next with my life. My muses and all senses of creativity sucked out me into some writers/lawyers/imaginative persons’ vortex of gloom.

Now I have a job, I managed to write 3 chapters for ACNJ, dated a few guys and have just generally gotten on with the business of living.

I write this fresh from an eight day stint in the boonies. I will try and jot down a few of the impressions and experiences I have of my sojourn.

Xmas Vacation

I went to the rural areas, my Mother’s village in the western part of ZW.
I am happy, nay, pleased to report that there was no cholera scares there! The scenery was so rich and vibrantly green, the whole way there I just wanted to leap out of the car and roll up and down the hills like Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music. Sweet Lord, just thinking about that green makes me wanna grab it straight out of my memory and into my hands.

I was struck by the raw and natural beauty of the land. And I couldn’t help but muse that the Earth really is indifferent to human wants and needs sometimes. People are going through a lot in this beautiful country but the land itself just thrives like it did in the better times of yore and will continue to do so in the good times that I staunchly believe will come again.

The soil was positively living, breathing, browns and reds that just beckoned for me to plant my feet in it and dance with appreciation. Man it was just so intense it started to hurt to look at.

When we arrived at our place, the whole immediate family had converged. It was dusk, and the sun set was like something out of a book. The colors; sienna, orange and pinkish red do not do it any justice but they shall have to suffice. Also there were these majestic grayish blue clouds on the periphery. If I could have taken flight right then and there I would have. It was just too brilliant in its dusky glory for me to ignore.

In fact my only regret is that I did not invest in a digital camera so I could upload them up here. But hey isn’t that the purpose of working a J.O.B? I must endeavour to obtain one in order to have photographic evidence of the treasures I speak of.

That was the first day… the next week or so was filled with fights, debates, tears and laughter around the fire. No not the campfire, the cooking fire where the needs of 37 human beings were met three times a day everyday.

See the structure of the round-huts that are African tradition is that there is a cooking fire in the middle of the room. Kinda like the cooking fires the Native Indians had in their teepees. Perhaps the main difference is that in our huts (when I say our I mean ZW because I cannot speak for the rest of Africa) we have a built in bench along the walls of the hut. And a display shelf as well for all the plates, pots, pans, cups and cooking utensils.

It was well… Christmas vacation with the fam! The real kicker was having to walk downhill five minutes (which is not a lot by any standards) to the water pump to procure water for all our needs, be it cooking, drinking, bathing, mopping, whatever. Us girls took turns in groups of 3 or 4 and it involved us carrying anything between 10 and 25 litres of water on our heads. I KNOW! Can you dig it!? I carried 20 litres of water on my head up and down that hill all week. Sometimes 4-5 times in one day! I am totally gutted that I didn’t have a camera for that.

Then there were the ants that bite the shit out of you on that very same hill from the water pump. This time round those suckers were out to get me I tell you, I thought I was going to die from the pain of those bites. But I survived and am here to tell the tale!

Oh and also I actually went out into our cornfield and did farmer-like stuff. I don’t even know the right term for what I did, I think it’s tilling the soil but I could be wrong. That was back-breaking labor and I have a newfound respect for people who do that for a living and provide the rest of us non-farmer-types with food and sustenance. Those nasty ants were to be found in patches of the field so that was highly upsetting for me. I think I’ve developed a phobia of them now!
The cornfield thing was on my last morning before I finally returned to the CITY!!

It’s confirmed, I’m a city girl at heart. Something I’ve always known but for a vacation, I know I worked harder than most might expect but it was all fun, you know? And don’t get me wrong there was lots of drinking in the late afternoons… I mean evenings (heh). We consumed a case of champagne and I don’t know how many cases of beer while were there. If I’d had a camera I’m sure I could have sold the pictures of us sitting in our round-hut, downing Heinekens, Carlsbergs, Moet & Chandon, JC LeRoux, as well as Courvoisier (not straight of course dahlings); to the respective companies.

And on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day we threw a big party. There were a lot of traditional drums played, singing and dancing and general merriment…. I wish I could have invited everyone I knew up there it was truly an awesome time.

*Sigh* Now its over, I get back to civilization so to speak and first thing I hear is that peeps are bombing each other in Gaza! There was a military coup in Guinea! Oil prices are going up! Sweet Lord, ignorance really is bliss….

Onwards and upwards they say! And for posterity a few entries I had made post-getting a job…..

Why I love thee

God, I was just thinking about stuff that makes me really happy... I mean why the heck shouldn't I? Tis the season and all that jazz.

So I am going to add one of my faves...

TELEVISION WITHOUT PITY!

Here's an excerpt from a recap from TWOP
The link to the recap is in the title, enjoy!

THIS IS THE SEASON 3 EPISODE 14 TRAVESTY CALLED THE WOMAN KING. I hated it and I think Jacob's 'cap best explains why:

There's gotta be a better character than Tigh for this role in the story, considering how much he already gave for the Fleet. I mean, I get that there are other kinds of racism than Cylon hating -- that's the best thing this episode does, is make Robert act cool to Sharon and Hera -- but Tigh makes this a weird fit.

So TRUE. I found it really weird the way he was so harsh about it, thanks to Jacob for pinpointing why.

which makes no sense but is a retrofit for later on in the episode when Dualla gets crammed into the Maiden In Distress role that so clearly doesn't fit her that you've gotta dope her up.

True dat!

Cottle bitches -- and he at least makes sense right here, because being a doctor is his entire personality -- that to them, over the last 3000 years, "medicine's been just the great curse." Tigh explains that this is because they're a bunch of "stubborn, root-sucking jackasses holding onto traditions that are a thousand years old." Which is awkward on the heels of the last line, but not as awkward as the Helo Suit getting its Resolved Face on and making a little black mark next to Tigh's name in its Big Book Of Overbearing Moral Judgments.

- Gotta say I laughed for a very long time at this. In fact, I'm laughing now!

Zarek manages not to summon up a little slapping, which I would find difficult, and delivers a speech that is even longer and less musical... I wish the President were a man, don't you? You'd never have to explain basic shit to her if she were a man.

HEE. That's funny! I thought Zarek made a pretty good point and that Roslin was being naive here.

The Zarek Suit leaves with a final virtuous "I'm here if you need me," and goes off, I assume to be anywhere but involved in the Sagittaron storyline, which until I guess today was his whole reason for existing, but no longer concerns him .

I'm glad I wasn't losing my mind! I thought Zarek was Saggitaron in S1 in that prison riot episode AND that election one on Cloud Nine!

She leaves, crying, and the Helo Suit stares after her, and makes another mark next to Robert's name.

- ROTFL

He then instructs Helo to strip off, proving he's not all bad, and Helo -- as though people aren't constantly asking him to take his shirt off -- goes, "Excuse me?" Like he's going to have to add "tried to make out with me" to his list.

I paused that part and the beginning part where he was shirtless! Good lord, there was a puddle of drool on my floor! Must get me a screencap of that.

And MAN do I not like having the black girl on the cast tacitly approving the racism against her own people, based on the fact that they're "pigheaded and argumentative," and thus writing the rest of the cast a pass for their prejudices, which she shares at the same time that they don't apply to her.

- I heart Jacob! I thought that was badly done too... really awkward somehow.

Which is not precisely true: other than marrying a Cylon that even Adama considers family, he only ends up on the wrong side of everything when Michael Angeli puts on his Helo Suit. "You know, maybe Tigh's right. Maybe I want it that way." As though that were a convincing emotional theory for any character ever. Sharon makes a little bit of an ouch face, because nobody likes to be called a symptom of aversive pathology.

OMG this guy is pretty frakking awesome.

There's not a conspiracy among all adults to block your virtue and put your lantern under a bushel or whatever the hell is going on here. They are too busy with their own shit. If you feel like your super-duper awesomeness is getting ignored by the world at large, I'm going to let you in on a secret: you're not that fucking awesome. Helo snits about how whatever, maybe she's right, maybe it's all in his head (IT IS! JEEZ!) and stomps off to be righteous somewhere else.

- Heh.

Cottle throws him out for real and lights a crotchety old cigarette. The total lack of commitment of the actor playing Cottle in this episode is...AWESOME.
Sharon makes the Mean Girl Boomer eyes at him and lets him in on the hideous rumors about Helo and the Sagittarons, how he "might actually be listening to them." My GOD with the Helo Suit right now. Who is this lady pretending to be Sharon Agathon?

OMG!! Too good.

The Helo Suit grows to twice its normal size; people in quarters five floors away start thinking about shitty stuff they can do to make Helo look even more awesome and put-upon.

- I haven't read snark like that since the Buffy recaps by Strega.

"You think that's who I am? That's what I've become, that's my defining characteristic? The guy married to a Cylon?" Wow, did that come out of nowhere or what? I hate this episode so much. This is like trying to walk around if you only had bones and no connective tissue. People yelling shit like this, for an entire hour.

- I was and am crying with laughter at this point.

Tigh and Cottle are still walking, and you already know everything that's going to happen, because this episode is -- did I mention -- embarrassingly poor in quality, so there's a lot more of Dualla whining and Helo being all King Kong with Marines flying around him like biplanes and Robert screaming about unrelated shit. "I don't know what kind of a crusade you're on, or who you're trying to impress, but it seriously is not working," he says. Which is another really awesome line, because: WORD! Stop killing people for no reason and maybe we could be friends, because you really have a gift for the one-liners.

- This is when my flatmate knocked on my door to find out if I was okay. I'm practically cackling!

And Tigh -- I will never forgive him for this -- fully goes, "Yeah, and we should've given it to him." Oh My God, how does that happen? How do you just blatantly go there? Is it a result of not getting hugged enough as a child? What would lead you to construct a narrative so unremittingly bullshitty and then end it with Tigh, the voice of authority -- just because you have major issues with women doesn't mean you get along with men -- being all Adama about it.

Wicked!

Cottle's back to phoning it in: "What the hell happened to 'do no harm,' Doctor," he asks, and Robert yells about how "someone has to make the tough choices here," which would be the writer of the episode telling you desperately that this all Makes Sense Don't It, but it doesn't, because this episode wasn't about the "tough choices" unless the "choices" include the "choice" to air this piece of crap, which is not a "tough" choice so much as a "shitty" one.

My stomach hurts!

and as they're leaving, two more awful things happen.

The first one is that Dr. Robert flails in Dee's direction and screams about how he didn't harm her, and Helo totally says, "Right, she's one of the good ones."

Let that sink in for a second.

The second one is how everything goes into slow-motion and Helo and Mrs. King, who's randomly there all of a sudden, stare at each other in slow-motion for a million years, because she is avenged .

I hope a third thing doesn't happen!

I am SOOO going to e-stalk Jacob after this!

But what offends me here is that first of all, I don't watch science fiction shows for this reason: clumsy moral dilemmas that get solved out of nowhere, black-and-white emotional responses, complete disregard for character continuity, sexless two-dimensional cardboard characters nobody could ever actually care about, misogyny both subtle and overt.

- He's talking about LOST right?

at the very least sitting down to watch an episode of Battlestar Galactica should fulfill the promise that you'll be seeing an episode of that show. And this was not one. It was an episode of a horrible show that I never would watch and never want to see again.

- He's never seen The Brig followed by The Man Behind the Curtain!

and she's holding the baby like a pieta, like that one awful poster for <.i>Brokeback Mountain that had family values, and he walks with his back straight in to his wife, because he is a man and this is what men do, and he's just completely right about everything, and she's sorry for being such a bitch, and they kiss, and it is very, very gay. The end. FOREVER.

AWESOME!!

And just like that, we've gone from a so-so crappy episode about medical ethics to a very crappy story about...serial killers who do things for literally no reason whatsoever.

This guy is frakking amazing, and he's totally talking about LOST in some of these comments.

Chapter 20 Snippet

Chapter 20 – Closer

“Wow, Miami’s amazing at night.”

“Amazingly full of freaks you mean.”

“You’re grumpy when you’re not driving, is it a control thing?”

“No, it’s a wantin’ to live thing, you drive like the hounds of hell are after you.”

“Well aren’t they?”

“Good point, but slow down for Christ’s sakes Freckles you’ll get us pulled over.”

“Okay, okay, why don’t I just stop at that Wendy’s and you can drive?”

“Please do… ‘sides I’m starvin’, their baked potato with sour cream an’ chives is just what I need.”

Kate laughed, as she zipped into the inner lane and swung the convertible into a parking spot in one neat 180 degree turn. The motion of the car threw James forward and his chest would have slammed into the dashboard had it not been for his seatbelt. He gave her a withering stare which she laughed off as she cut the engine and undid her seatbelt.

“Come on I’m buying.”

“No it’s okay honey you save your money… I’ll get it.” His voice dripped with sarcasm.

Kate grabbed his jaw her green eyes searching his blue; then on impulse she leaned in and planted a wet kiss on his lips, she drew away but James pulled her back his hands on either side of her head. The kiss deepened as they teased each other with their tongues. She did not know when it happened but Kate was surprised to find herself straddling his lap when their lips parted. She nipped his lower lip with her teeth as she went back for more. James obliged, letting his hands slide down her arms and resting them on her hips then circling around to cup her buttocks. It was when she moved her hips insistently against him and he felt his own instantaneous response that he pushed her away from him, breathing heavily. Kate reached for his zipper and James grabbed her wayward hands.

“Don’t.”

She relaxed in his grip, biting her lip she scrambled off him, leaning her head back onto the headrest in the driver’s seat. Wordlessly, James unbuckled his seatbelt and climbed out of the car. He walked around to the driver’s side and opened her door for her and held his hand out. She took it resignedly, dragging the key out of the ignition as she got out. She avoided his gaze but he tilted her chin up and smiled at her a little sadly, his eyes silently pleading her not to blow the situation out of proportion. She looked away then looked back at him. She shrugged and gave him a half smile. He ran a fingertip down her nose then placing his hand in the small of her back propelled her towards the restaurant.

“Wait! We can’t go in there they’ve got close-circuit cameras in there.” Kate dug in her heels like a stubborn mare.

“So?” James tried to gently nudge her towards the entrance, not understanding her logic.

Kate whipped around to face him.

“So… we don’t know how far and wide the tentacles of Dharma stretch, do we really want to give away our location when we’re already at a disadvantage?”

James cursed volubly under his breath then turned them back around. In the car, he gripped the steering wheel, flexing his hands as he glared at the brightly lit welcoming entrance.

Kate curled her hands into fists; she wanted to reach out and touch him but was unsure of how he would respond.

“James-”

“What now? I’m jonesin’ for a square burger an’ my goddamn baked potato.” He was still staring at the entrance, his shoulders tense.

“If you’re any good at accents we can go through the drive-thru.”

“What the hell?” James fixed sapphire daggers on her.

“To be on the safe side an accent will minimise the risks of identification via voice recognition software.” Kate explained patiently.

James stared at her like he’d never seen her before.

“Trust me; I helped work out the kinks in the software at Securicare.” She squirmed.

“Trust me when I say I’ve had more than enough of you.”

“Oh James.” She giggled, failing miserably at stifling her mirth.

He pulled up to the speaker and placed their order in a very convincing Australian accent. When they had gotten their food and paid at the window, James sped off with a whoop of joy. Kate shook her head and covered her smiling lips with her left hand; the boyish expression on his face reminded her of DC. She nearly dropped their food when James suddenly slammed on the brakes, and deftly manipulated the car into a vacant parking space.

“Gimme it!” James ordered her as he snatched the two large bags of food from her.

He opened the first bag peered inside then thrust it back at her. Ripping open the second one, he took out a box. He let out a deep sigh of pleasure when he opened the container and the smell of baked potato and sour cream with fresh chives wafted throughout the car. Accepting the plastic fork and knife from Kate he winked at her as he tucked into the meal. He was oblivious to it but she was smiling at him indulgently, drawing similarities between him and Tristan as he ate with relish. Warmth spread from her heart and flooded the rest of her body; this time she did not fight the feeling, letting it suffuse her being. ‘You really are in trouble Kate.’ She sighed to herself. Stealing one last lingering glance at him she opened her own meal and followed suit.

“Mmmm… that was perfect.” James said as he patted his still relatively flat abdomen.

“Yeah, I gotta admit it was pretty good.” Kate agreed as she drained her soda cup.

They had made short work of their food, she had discovered that she had been ravenous and was glad in retrospect that James had ordered two of everything.

“Now all we gotta do is figure out a place to stay tonight.”

“Why’s that so hard?”

“You’re the one scarin’ me with voice recognition software an’ whatnot… you tell me.”

She opened her mouth to say something but shut it again. He had a point, where they chose to stay could make or break the whole mission. She cracked her knuckles as she ran through all the possible scenarios she had researched and trained for at Securicare.

“We need to go somewhere where we won’t draw attention.”

“No shit Sherlock.”

“Be nice.” She warned him distractedly.

James snapped his fingers at this and started the engine. Bewildered Kate looked around to see what had prompted the sudden action. James turned twinkling sapphire blue eyes at her.

“I’ve got just the place in mind.”

“Do you wanna share it with me please?”

“South Beach baby! There’s so many different kinds of freaks an’ weirdos there that we’ll only stick out if we’re too normal!”

“Oh my God you can’t be serious!”

“As a heart-attack.” James reassured her as he navigated through a small crowd of drag queens singing and dancing in the middle of the street.

“Do you even know how to get there!?” Kate asked incredulously as a man dressed like Britney Spears blew them a kiss.

“Just follow the Fairies.”

She crossed her arms unimpressed she was finding his good humor and confidence daunting for some reason. James made a face at her.

“An’ yes I know where I’m goin’ this city used to be my playground once upon a time.”

“Oh even better.” Kate grumbled as she looked at the different people standing in line outside a neon-lit palm tree shaped nightclub entrance.

James grinned and turned on the radio, flipping to his favourite Miami station. To nobody’s surprise a camp Latin beat blared out of the speakers.

One Hour Later

“Okaaay Honey now all you gotta do is slide this card right here in the slot like this et voilà you’re in! If you don’t think you can handle it I can come up and show you…”

“Thanks I think I got it. You’ve been a great help Destinee.”

“Okaaay Baby, bon nuit if you need anything else just give me a call and hopefully I’ll see you tomorrow morning before I get off my shift!”

James grinned despite himself as the Cuban transvestite wiggled his fingers at him and turned to serve the next male customer totally ignoring Kate. He picked up their bags and strode towards the elevator, a fuming Kate trailing behind him. They got into the elevator and disembarked on the sixth floor. Setting their bags down, James drew the key out of his pocket before he could do anything Kate had snatched it from him. Inserting it in the slot briskly she pushed the door open and stomped in.

“You okay there Freckles?” The laughter he was suppressing coming out in his voice.

“He… She…. Whatever…. Ignored me completely and yet I paid for the room!”

His cheeks dimpled. “What can I say-”

“I wouldn’t say anything at all if I were you… I’ll kick you out and since this was the last vacant room you can sleep downstairs with Destinee at the reception desk.” Kate warned him waspishly.

“My my… you sure are testy when you don’t get any attention.” James observed as he set their bags down.

“Blow me.” Kate snapped as she slammed into the bathroom and locked the door behind her.

Long time no speak

December 10th 2008

Hello Dahlings! Long time no speak I know!

This is a quick update note seeing as I plan on posting a little more frequently than I have been doing as of tomorrow.

As you can see I have added some blogs that I am following or that I have always been a devout follower of.

So the World is falling apart and in typical apathetic fashion, I spend the whole day surfing the net and looking for mentions of me or anything to do with me on the net.

I was overjoyed to find this on the Fishbiscuitland site:

I post my fiction there; but one I would like to recommend because I am finding it a fascinating read is:

"A Cowboy Named James" by Dulcedecorumest; which can be found on the second page of the index.

I would give this one five fishbiscuits, an AU fiction with Skate angst at it's best. We need a fishbiscuit emoticon!!!

And then…

And same as LostTvFan, I would also recommend Dulce's A Cowboy named James. Amazing story.

WAHEY! I know this was like a year ago but… THANKS GUYS!!

*executes backflips with the limberness of a 300 pound hippo (but that’s not the point)*

I turned 26 three weeks ago on Thursday. The Earth kept on orbiting like normal… I miss being a kid. Birthdays were such momentous occasions I’m sure the President of the United States used to get a briefing in the Oval Office of every squeal of delight I made on said day. No? Well then maybe they should start doing that, perhaps I’ll write a letter to B. Obama about that see what we can do to make it happen.

Anyways I digress… I must cast myself at the collective feet of all ACNJ readers and beg for their forgiveness. I have been remiss in my duties but yegads, I’m living in an international political hot potato at the moment so, mea culpa!!

I’ve got the latest instalment ready to update but when I tried to do so last week the darn computer kept logging me out! Will try again this week if it fails I will just post it on the blogsite instead.

To find out more about what’s going on in my corner of the World check out:
http://deusexmachina-deusexmachina.blogger.com

And as for now, I will insert a snippet from my next chapter. But before I do so, if some of y’all would be so kind as to just email me your fics as attachments I could get all caught up a whole lot faster on my dial up connection!
XXXX DULCE XXX

Je ne regrette rien

January 24 2007

Falser words were never spoken. I regret a lot of things, the nitty gritty details of which I won’t go into now or ever… Hmm so what is the point of this? I wanted to make some observations on the necessity of guilt whether you’re Catholic or not. Well, tis the season to reflect and all that jazz.

So I was talking to my flatmate the other night, and she’s Italian, I was asking her if she believed in God, etc, and what her take on Catholicism was. She told me she didn’t believe in the things the Catholic church preached but she does believe there is a higher being. I too believe this, but that is about the long and short of the extent of my beliefs falling in line with organized religion. Anyhoodle she was saying something about how she was made to feel guilty for everything because it is according to her church; a sin. Wow would I have a lot to atone for! I mean thinking about it I can appreciate the necessity of a mechanism of contrition for people; kind of a way to enforce morality on people; collectively as members of society and individually too, etc. But to feel guilty for everything equates to feeling guilty for existing and that I cannot fathom.

Well you can wish you were never born for reasons all of your own but that’s a different kettle of fish. Back on to the subject at hand… guilt and regrets. Hmm… a better cocktail I cannot imagine. I believe I could talk about this until the cows came home. I’ll approach this in alphabetical order.

Guilt = "In psychology and ordinary language, guilt is an affective state in which one experiences conflict at having done something one believes one should not have done (or, conversely, not having done something one believes one should have done). It gives rise to a feeling that does not go away easily, driven by conscience." (wikipedia definition). Well punch me in the face and call me Norman! That pretty much sums it up doesn’t it? Guilt is all about agonizing on decisions one has already made. Which is from an objective view a colossal waste of time, I mean when you feel guilty what do you learn? Other than how crap you can feel about spilt milk and the decision to do better? It’s a fruitless exercise. No fruit for the guilty.

Regret = "is an intelligent (and/or emotional) dislike for personal past acts and behaviours." (wikipedia definition) - Well as long as it as an intelligent dislike I'm sure there be lots of company on the Regret train, last stop before Depressionville. *ugh*

Dictionary.com also defines it as:
"a feeling of sorrow or remorse for a fault, act, loss, disappointment, etc. "

And then we got Sydney J Harris who purports, yes that’s correct I just said purport.

"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable."

I really wanted to get into this, you know really delve deep into the meaning of these debilitating emotions and then I remembered TOK (Theory of Knowledge) and how much I grew to hate any type of philosphical in-depth pandering, and also I got over my baggage that had prompted me to start this blog (like in December 2006). So I thought, in the end the age old adage of not bothering to say anything at all because someone smarter and more eloquent already did, applies to this situation. Therefore... to ALL OF THAT I say stick it, it's a NEW YEAR and I'm still alive and kicking so out with the old and in with new! I can't wait to see what 2007 has in store for me, I'm sure it'll be a real humdinger... isn't it always!?

The trouble with life is

November 23 2006

There’s no way around it. And you’re an active participant 24 hours a day 7 days a week unless you’re really unlucky and end up in brain dead coma. Then there is no activity but the participation part of it still exists.

I guess nothing is ever as it seems, everybody has demons but… nobody’s demons are more frightening than one’s own. Am I depressed? No not more than usual. Am I sad? No not really. Am I happy? I’m not couch jumping but I wouldn’t say that doesn’t mean I’m happy. Hmm… how about apathetic? I have to say that I might be suffering from a mild to severe case of apathy. Yeah definitely.

So another notch has been marked in the birthday belt, bringing the total of my years on this planet to a whopping 24! Yes that's right. As of next year I will have a toe in the grave as far as I'm concerned.

I'll tell you what depresses me about my birthday... I usually make resolutions of what I want to accomplish from one birthday to the next and I usually don't accomplish them. Forget New Years, it's the birthday thing that marks one year from the next for me.

So here I am actively participating with little say in the matter, and I gotta admit, I just don't care about a lot of things these days. I remember a time when I was brimming with intelligent and informed opinions on any given subject, and now? Folks are killing each other all over the place and I'm just like, "Whatever, what about my problems?" Yeah, I'm 24, apathetic and more selfish than ever. So if I know what the problem is why can't I fix it? Hmm... ever looked up the word apathy? That's why.

Anyhoo, I got the biggest compliment this birthday when some guy came to office where I work some of the time; and asked me if I was still in school. Ha! It's been 7 years since I was in that kind of school, mate. But thank you for the compliment, yes people it is true, I'm starting to get flattered with assumptions of youth.

That's all for now folks!