Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Single and Fabulous?

The more time I spend with EF the more I realize that there is something inherently flawed within my persona. I mean, what normally functional adult human being would allow herself to get deeper and deeper into a situation which is pre-destined to end oh-so-very badly? What am I talking about? Well.... EF has spun a very complicated and precarious web of sex, lies and deceit.

Pull one flimsy, sticky thread and the whole thing is ruined. No, wait. Let me try and be fair... if not completely ruined then permanently and irreparably damaged and altered. The man has an amazing knack of landing on his feet! Anyways, I am torn between being flattered or furious that he would tell me all the nitty gritty details of the bad things he's done by perpetuating the Great I'm Faithful Lie against his Significant Other. Is it a compliment or an insult that he would tell me so much about what he's done, how he's done it and who he's done it with?

Does that mean he respects me too much to perpetuate the lies or too little to bother keeping up the pretense? Could it be both?

Maybe the more important indicator of my own issues is the fact that out of the entire saga THIS is what I choose to focus on?

Have I stooped so low that I would knowingly put up with being his other, other, other (I don't really know how many of us we are)woman? Is this the Great Female Twenty-Something Dream I envisaged for myself? The answer to the last question is a resounding HELL NO.

So what makes me continue to be a willing if recalcitrant participant in this dramatic tragedy?

Let's go for the gold here, with a list!!


1. It's EASY. Well maybe not easy as such but easier. Than dating and having emotional investments and expectations. For the first time ever, I get to be really selfish with all the deep and abiding affections that I have to give. I don't have to explain myself to him because he has no right to expect those things from me. And vice versa. The only validation I seek from him is in his hands, his kisses and in his bed.

2. It's a learning experience. I am learning stuff about men, women and how we relate to each other. Mars and Venus on the Street Yo! Heh. Lame joke I know. Anyhoodle, the constant requirement of the fantasy, whatever it may be for that man or woman is something I have observed in my... err.. studies.

3. GREAT GREAT GREAT S#! - In fact its the best I've ever had. Okay, I am not ashamed to admit that IT is a huge factor, probably the deciding factor in my continued involvement with the morass of selfish amorality that is this tangled web.

4. I like the guy. Plain and simple. We get along most of the time, he's pretty funny, witty and knows a thing or two about a thing or two (not THAT thing or two... well actually that one too). If I were to play a video montage of our best moments, at least half of them would involve hm saying something witty or reacting to a situation in a humorous way. He really is a fascinating human-being, a curious blend of caring, controlling and distant. Yeah how'd you like them apples??

5. I am curious to know what exactly brings his orbit into mine, time after time. Is it my unique personality, my ability to get along with his friends, is it because I make it easy, do I make him feel like a God, is it because he genuinely gives some modicum of a flying fuck about me? Or is it all of the above? None of the above?

I realize that I will probably never know, I also am very aware of the fact that this shit is transient. The last time I saw him as him and I may very well have been the last time. How does that make me feel? Honestly? A little petrified. I don't see myself adjusting to having no fall-back guy very well. How lame and selfish is that? VERY.


I'm gonna watch myself some television, BSG will do the trick. Hey at least I'm not as frakked up as one of my all-time favorite television characters, Starbuck!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

January 23 2009

Another weekend draws to a close and I have nothing exciting to report… not that when exciting things happen I report them anyway. But if something exciting had happened to me I would have been telling y’all all about it right now. Since nothing exciting did happen…. Oh God. I am having one of those MONDAYS!

I can just see that annoying guy in Office Space saying to Jennifer Aniston, “Uh-oh looks like someone has a case of the Mondays!” I too give him the finger.

So word on the info superhighway-street is that the first new episode of BSG was like, “Oh my FRAKKING GODS!” I am so bloody jealous of everyone who’s watched the ep or will get to watch it before me, in fact I hope their eyeballs fall out. There I said it, judge me if you must.

But seriously, I have to say I am impressed by RDM and Co for doing such a great job when the show is like totally unsung (by the general public, the critics love ‘em and with darn good reason)!

Speaking of last week, I am so glad it’s over. It was a very stressful time for me, namely because I have been cut-off from my support unit and I was feeling the burn pretty bad this week. You know the family members that you love to bits and you rely on as a source of happiness or whatever? Yeah, it’s real tough but that’s life. People move all the time, I am one of the biggest perpetrators of that crime, but the shoe fits differently on the other foot.

Anyhoodle, it makes me look at my life from a very existentialist point of view and I am not impressed with what I see. It is very evident that I had become very CRUTCHY lately. In fact I made so much of a crutch out of my family members that there is a gaping void of not-knowing-what-to-do with my spare time without my crutches. If my TOK (theory of knowledge) teacher could see me now!

So in typical knee-jerk reaction style I was hoping to meet up with my emotional fuck-wit ex-boyfriend instead this weekend and it didn’t happen. Hmmm… funny story about the ex-boyfriend part of the label; I mentioned something about ‘when we went out’ to his flatmate a couple weeks ago and EF totally blasted me.

Well not blasted me in the literal sense, this was very subtle but the result was the same.
Okay let me transcribe the convo to the best of my abilities:

ME to EF’s flatmate: “Ask EF (emotional-fuckwit), I’m a great girlfriend… Isn’t that right EF!?”

EF: “What are you talking about, we never dated?”

ME: “Okay, but if we had dated I would have been kick-ass right?”
EF gives a non-answer type of mutter and disappears into another room.

EF’s Flatmate looks at me like, ‘Tough one!’

I think, ‘Okay EF you don’t have to be a bastard about it, we totally had a thing and it could have been a real relationship if you weren’t such a FUCKWIT. And you could have totally not made me look like some crazy groupie chick if you weren’t so up your own arse! Aargh! What am I still doing here?!’

Yeah, this is not helping my case of the Mondays, I’m signing off in self-disgust. Might as well continue working on my new chapter for ACNJ, it’s 25% written. So Yay!


P.S. Seriously, what is wrong with me? I’m 26, and am like seriously not getting any younger, why, pray-tell, am I fooling around with wahas (Somalian for that one – don’t ask me where I learned that word) instead of getting on the marriage and babies bandwagon!?

Ugh, which reminds me, 7 that is right SEVEN, one number up from SIX of my girlfriends got hitched in 2008. AND it looks like my best friend had a baby… Yeah a baby and she like totally didn’t bother to tell me she was preggers let alone that she had had a BABY.

Maybe that’s her way of putting me on Best Friend Notice, I wonder if that is a two weeks deal or it’s an instant See Ya Later Beotch! Yeesh, I so thought I’d have my shit together by the time I turned 26 and from the looks of things, I totally don’t. I’m losing friends left right and center… well just my best friend but isn’t a BF equivalent to a bunch of good friends?

At least my other best friend (we were a team in High School, we were called Team Bitch actually) told me she was pregnant, she’ll be having the baby in a few months. So much for our happy threesome, it’s turning out to be a very morose lonesome seeing as I am not in a serious relationship and about to have a baby, nor am I married with a baby. SHIT!! When did events get so far ahead of me? I feel like I’m in the 400m relay and I’ve dropped the baton and sprained my ankle at the same time while every one is racing ahead of me to the finish line.

Wow, and we’re only in our third week of January. What a year its turning out to be!

I’m sure everything will be better once Obama’s inaugurated tomorrow. Yeah, I must make a note to myself to write Obama a letter on how sorting out the various fucked up areas of my life should be top of his to-do list once he’s in the Oval Office.

Hey, y’all have heard about the Butterfly Effect, helping me out might result in lasting peace in the Middle East or the end of World Poverty. Sweet Lord, I’ll even settle for the exit of Matthew Fox and the Jack character on LOST… sorry the guy just bugs me.

Okay I’m really gone now, I’m getting dirty looks from my boss who thinks I’m being a very industrious employee working very hard on my latest assignment… let’s not kill the dream. Gotta leave folks with something to believe in… So, peace, I’m out!