Sunday, September 16, 2007

Je ne regrette rien

January 24 2007

Falser words were never spoken. I regret a lot of things, the nitty gritty details of which I won’t go into now or ever… Hmm so what is the point of this? I wanted to make some observations on the necessity of guilt whether you’re Catholic or not. Well, tis the season to reflect and all that jazz.

So I was talking to my flatmate the other night, and she’s Italian, I was asking her if she believed in God, etc, and what her take on Catholicism was. She told me she didn’t believe in the things the Catholic church preached but she does believe there is a higher being. I too believe this, but that is about the long and short of the extent of my beliefs falling in line with organized religion. Anyhoodle she was saying something about how she was made to feel guilty for everything because it is according to her church; a sin. Wow would I have a lot to atone for! I mean thinking about it I can appreciate the necessity of a mechanism of contrition for people; kind of a way to enforce morality on people; collectively as members of society and individually too, etc. But to feel guilty for everything equates to feeling guilty for existing and that I cannot fathom.

Well you can wish you were never born for reasons all of your own but that’s a different kettle of fish. Back on to the subject at hand… guilt and regrets. Hmm… a better cocktail I cannot imagine. I believe I could talk about this until the cows came home. I’ll approach this in alphabetical order.

Guilt = "In psychology and ordinary language, guilt is an affective state in which one experiences conflict at having done something one believes one should not have done (or, conversely, not having done something one believes one should have done). It gives rise to a feeling that does not go away easily, driven by conscience." (wikipedia definition). Well punch me in the face and call me Norman! That pretty much sums it up doesn’t it? Guilt is all about agonizing on decisions one has already made. Which is from an objective view a colossal waste of time, I mean when you feel guilty what do you learn? Other than how crap you can feel about spilt milk and the decision to do better? It’s a fruitless exercise. No fruit for the guilty.

Regret = "is an intelligent (and/or emotional) dislike for personal past acts and behaviours." (wikipedia definition) - Well as long as it as an intelligent dislike I'm sure there be lots of company on the Regret train, last stop before Depressionville. *ugh* also defines it as:
"a feeling of sorrow or remorse for a fault, act, loss, disappointment, etc. "

And then we got Sydney J Harris who purports, yes that’s correct I just said purport.

"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable."

I really wanted to get into this, you know really delve deep into the meaning of these debilitating emotions and then I remembered TOK (Theory of Knowledge) and how much I grew to hate any type of philosphical in-depth pandering, and also I got over my baggage that had prompted me to start this blog (like in December 2006). So I thought, in the end the age old adage of not bothering to say anything at all because someone smarter and more eloquent already did, applies to this situation. Therefore... to ALL OF THAT I say stick it, it's a NEW YEAR and I'm still alive and kicking so out with the old and in with new! I can't wait to see what 2007 has in store for me, I'm sure it'll be a real humdinger... isn't it always!?

The trouble with life is

November 23 2006

There’s no way around it. And you’re an active participant 24 hours a day 7 days a week unless you’re really unlucky and end up in brain dead coma. Then there is no activity but the participation part of it still exists.

I guess nothing is ever as it seems, everybody has demons but… nobody’s demons are more frightening than one’s own. Am I depressed? No not more than usual. Am I sad? No not really. Am I happy? I’m not couch jumping but I wouldn’t say that doesn’t mean I’m happy. Hmm… how about apathetic? I have to say that I might be suffering from a mild to severe case of apathy. Yeah definitely.

So another notch has been marked in the birthday belt, bringing the total of my years on this planet to a whopping 24! Yes that's right. As of next year I will have a toe in the grave as far as I'm concerned.

I'll tell you what depresses me about my birthday... I usually make resolutions of what I want to accomplish from one birthday to the next and I usually don't accomplish them. Forget New Years, it's the birthday thing that marks one year from the next for me.

So here I am actively participating with little say in the matter, and I gotta admit, I just don't care about a lot of things these days. I remember a time when I was brimming with intelligent and informed opinions on any given subject, and now? Folks are killing each other all over the place and I'm just like, "Whatever, what about my problems?" Yeah, I'm 24, apathetic and more selfish than ever. So if I know what the problem is why can't I fix it? Hmm... ever looked up the word apathy? That's why.

Anyhoo, I got the biggest compliment this birthday when some guy came to office where I work some of the time; and asked me if I was still in school. Ha! It's been 7 years since I was in that kind of school, mate. But thank you for the compliment, yes people it is true, I'm starting to get flattered with assumptions of youth.

That's all for now folks!

Blue my mind away

October 29 2006

So I went to see the Blue Man Group tonight. I will post more later when I can compose my thoughts, but seriously... to quote Chandler; my brains are all over the wall behind me. It was so frakking amazing! The entire spectacle of it and the nebulous post-modern message behind it. Yes I have my moments when I can start being pretentious and using crazy nonsensical but meaningful words. See I just did it again.

Anyhoo, this show was like nothing I've ever been too. You really get your money's worth in my opinion. Although I am sure it doesn't count for much on this matter because my tickets were free. Yes that's right, I know people! Hee.

A Tale of Two Personalities

October 19

Okay the title absolutely makes no sense or has any relevance to my entry tonight, I guess I was just so frakking inspired by TPTB and the Season 3 premiere of LOST that I though't I'd take a page out of their book.
Seriously though folks, read the recap in the link above it's absolutely hilarious.

Anyhoo, moving onwards and upwards... I just spoke to an ex tonight and no not the one who at the very thought of him or his face; causes my insides to rise up in revolt and a (doomed to fail ) escape attempt out of my body.
It's strange how the human mind plays tricks on us and we forget all the bad things that happened or were said or both; and we're back to reminscing sometime. I think it's a good thing as long as you don't get yourself too close to the fire to get burned again. Hmm note to self, don't give ex-boyfriends no matter how hot and charming they were, your msn space address. Why? Because it hinders my ability to be as candid as I like on my own damn blog. Now I'm gonna have to watch what I say even more, solicitor to be that I am, something tells me lawsuits for defamation and slander will.not.look.good.on.the.resumé. Just a thought.

Just to say, sorry it's been so long since I've posted on here, I know how much all y'all out there check this site every day and email me hundreds of letters begging me for the next exciting rant. What can I say, I aim to please?

So Madonna adopted a baby boy from Malawi, hey? What can I say? A whole lot actually, but I can't be bothered; from what I see in the media everyone's panties are in a wad about it. I understand why so all I'm going to say is this. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. She may have intended well but now all it looks like is an attempt to be on Newsweek's People of the Year article. Or was it TIME? You know the one that had Brangelina and their rainbow family on it? Is it just me or is adopting a baby from some 3rd world country the new black this season? I'm not being mean here, but it's like; people used to say, "Gucci. Milan." Now it's going to be; "Boy. Mongolia." and "Girl. Ethiopia."

As far as hateration goes, I can't hate too much if it means these children are going to grow up with better lives. But the way it is all being handled... STINKS.

And y'all were thinking I'd lost my ranting touch! Doubting Thomases.

I was talking about exes earlier right? So where was I? Oh yes, I had a long conversation with an ex it was all good but after the conversation ended I wondered why it happened in the first place. And the things I said! Holy crap. Looks to me like my jaw needs a little more iron Fahed. (He knows what I mean).

And on that note, I'm out. I have to go to work tomorrow. I had an allergic reaction to pork last night and the frigging thing lasted all day, my voice is back, my throat isn't swollen anymore but my glands still feel like they have chilli in them.

See I'm not a drama queen, I just have allergies.

Peace I'm out.

Oh P.s. my title did have some relevance actually... I was just so intrigued by my dual personalities after my ex-convo that it inspired me to post. What do I mean? Well, there's the girl who's all like "whatever". Then there's the girl that's like, "That was a nice conversation, he's such a decent person and we did have good times together, I think I should make sure we try to stay in touch and friends" - y'all can see where this is going right?- then I start to imagine some montage with some crappy 80s music where we become like BFF and we attend one another's weddings and nobody understands how it happened.

Then I get distracted by this wedding image and I start to think of the movie My Best Friend's Wedding and the scene where Julia Roberts falls off the bed when her BFF tells her he's getting married. Then suddenly, a fat lady that sang, let's say Mama Cass cause I liked the Mamas and the Papas, rises from the grave and slaps me hard before she starts singing California Dreaming acappella. She's dead she can do anything okay. And I'm all like, "Oh shit." Then the other me - whatever me - is all like, "I pity the fool." And then this other me is all sheepish and has to go find some poor man to belittle and mock in order for all to be right with the world again.

So in conclusion, talking to your ex when you're tired and weak from the drugs is bad for your health. Do I regret it or wish I wouldn't? HELL NO. Okay that emphatic response has seriously confused me, so I'm going to bed and hopefully someone will give me a partial lobotomy to help me forget all the mental upheaval that has occurred here tonight... Hmm.

Fun facts about wasps

September 12 2006

So the bitterness train's in town and I'm hitching a ride, full speed ahead to Acrimony Central, choo choo!

Okay, so what am I bitching about now? Hmm... well, in the classic formula that has been my adult life, one thing looks like it's going well so naturally every single other thing falls apart! And this is not just a little speedbumb it's a huge muthaf---ing whale in the middle of the road that just so happens to be up a winding moutain and the only way around the wall is to fall off the mountain into the awaiting chasm or somehow become Ethan Hunt a la Mission Impossible and scale the rock wall. In conclusion, I'm going to have to hack my way through the whale and hopefully come out bloodied but breathing on the other side. - Dramatic much? No not really this is my current issues in a nutshell. Man I love my life! OKAY sarcasm aside, it's not so bad, I could have no rythm, be ignorant, boring and the most exciting thing that could happen to me would be is a strange man approaching me on the street asking me for directions, and *gasp* he could look like an Arab/ terrorist whatever, same thing right? (Hey you always gotta look on the Bright Side of Life - as my friends from Monty Python once sang). Sorry but it kinda pisses me off how all Arabs = terrorists/muslim you know there are some Christian Arabs out there right!? (And non-fundamentalist muslim Arabs as well as non-fundamentalist Muslims)

Anyhoo, back to me! I haven't posted in a while because I have been so busy trying to keep my shit together (I'm supposed to move house in two days and I have yet to find a suitable place)! I have two jobs, one that I hate and am quitting within the month and another which I am growing to love but is uncertain. Hmm... did I mention I've enrolled for language courses for THREE different languages? No? I can't imagine why, I'm not stressed!!! WHAT WOULD MAKE YOU THINK I WAS WIGGING OUT?!???

Hmm let's talk about something neutral like my current playlist... I'm listening to a lot of Jurassic5, Talib Kweli (in Swahili that means 'real truth' or 'true knowledge'), Tupac (the lyrical shit "I ain't mad at cha", "Until the End of Time", "Hellraiser", "Picture Me Rolling", "Life Goes On", "Me Against the World", "Krazy" & "Hail Mary" and one of my all time favorites "Do For Love", "Happy Home" & "In the Air Tonight"), Saïan Supa Crew (A Demi Nue), The Game ("Dreams"), Jay-Z ("Song Cry"), Notorious BIG ("Juicy", "Sky's the Limit", "One More Chance"), Nas ("One Mic", "If I Ruled the World"), Big Pun ("It's So Hard"- I love, love this song), Ludacris ("When We Were Kids"), Styles P ft Pharoahe Monch ("My Life") and Dilated Peoples (pretty much the entire first and second album), Snoop Doggy Dogg ("Doggystle"- album, my very first rap album ever). Oh and let's not forget the really depressed points of my week where I come home and listen to anything and everything Evanescence ever made.

Enough about me and my bitterness, peace I'm out

Reminisce sometime...

August 26 2006

God, I'm only 23 and already people are dying like we're middle aged or something. I had to post in here because this latest death has upset me greatly. I heard about it this morning although it happened a week ago and all I feel is bad inside. I feel guilty, because I was so caught up in day to day things and my own mini-dramas that I never got the chance to look up an old friend and find out what was new. I'd known the latest casualty of war (against death) since I was in the fifth grade. God even now, that is a very long time ago, let alone in the years to come. Well J and I had one of those friendships borne out of sarcasm and general self-arrogance. We shared a secret belief we were smarter and funnier than everyone else around us and we never hesitated to indulge in our guilty pleasure of making fun of everything and anything we bloody well felt like.

He was also really smart and his Mom was my sixth grade science teacher, who incidentally, saw me as a very bright but easily distracted and sociable child prodigy. Okay so I am exxagerating about the child prodigy part but you get the picture, I amused and frustrated her. You see all day today I have been alternating between sadness, tears, laughter and soul-weariness at the thought of our childhood and the memories we shared. Then I think of his Mom who obviously loved him so much and what she must be going through.

I mean just the other day I was thinking about him and how we were both comically bitter about the casting for the school play Blood Brothers because we didn't get any lead parts, whereas the year before I was Tallulah to his Bugsy Malone. Man we used to crack up everytime we rehearsed the line, "You're aces Bugsy, you know that?" - Because it always sounded like I was saying, "You're racist Bugsy, you know that?" And he would always kind of be uncomfortable with that scene because I was stroking his leg and acting all sex-kittenish while he delivered the line, "Careful Tallulah, you're racing my motor."

Ahh the good old days, damn I can't believe him and I will never get together again and laugh about those times, or talk about everyone else and where they ended up. He would have been so amused to find out I'm going to be a lawyer seeing as I always wanted to be an actress. - Go figure, lawyers are statistically known for being repressed actors. Although he may have heard it through the grapevine that I was studying the law. You see, this is exactly what I mean about feeling terrible about not making a more concerted effort to keep in touch with everyone that mattered. I mean, it's just unacceptable!

He used to live in a nice neighborhood next to a well known restaurant called Rickshaw which he always promised me we'd go to but in my five years in Dar-es-salaam I never stepped foot in! And he used to do the funniest imitations of people, seriously! Just this Monday I was going through old pictures and I saw him and thought to myself, "I haven't heard about him or what he's up to in forever, I really should find out."

I can't help but feel bitter and rail at the Fates for this, I'm only human. And even if I hadn't seen him in a while, I feel cheated of the chance to have done so in the future. Cheated and sad and I will continue to feel like this for awhile; at least tomorrow I'm going to a pseudo-memorial thingy for him here in London. I just can't believe this is happening now, I mean you expect this kinda stuff to happen when you're middle aged, not now!

Well anyways in the words of Puff Daddy, "Reminisce sometime the night they took my friend." -- He'd love that, seeing as we were all (including others at the time) obsessed with that song back in the 9th grade.

Is there a big market for horseshit these days?

August 25

I don't know but I hear that it tastes just like bullshit. And that alongside with euphemisms, and the law I have a degree in.

So while we're on the subject, might as well talk about my opinion on men. Don't worry for all y'all who know me, there will be no surpises. Men. Why men? Simply because they are the bane of my existence. They lie, they are crazy, they'll hump anything that walks and they stink (most of them) and this is the only the literal stuff. But my main bone of contention is the way you never know what kind of man you got until after the honeymoon.

I mean, with me what you see is what you get, raging bitca with a heart of gold or so I'd like to think. A little aside on my personality: I am not very good at doing the fake thing, I grew up as an only child which naturally translates to grew up wihth an overinflated sense of self. Something which to my defence was borne out of not having any other kids my age to be around long enough to make me doubt and/or hate myself in those vital character building years.

I am not judging but I think that kids that grow up with siblings are way crueller (is that a word? probably not) or have the propensity to pure unadulterated cruelty at a greater percentage than anything us only children can ever achieve. It's science. I watched a show on the Discovery channel (which means its true) and it was on sharks. Apparently, sharks are born alone but they share the womb (or whatever it is) with another, however, they eat their gestation-mates before birth and that is how they are born with the killer instinct. Seriously, they had a camera in the shark's womb and that's what happened!

Children that grow up with siblings, develop a similar instinct in my opinion. So anyhoo, back to my main point this means that I (naturally) have a heart of gold. To be honest with you I don't really know what that means but I'm pretty sure it means that my heart is solid, shiny, cold and precious.

Moving on back to the sujet du jour, MEN. You have to excuse me if I come off sounding bitter but I'm a grown up now, which means that the world of boys and girls is no longer as easy or fun as it used to be. Now instead of him stealing your crayon and breaking it, he's stealing your best friend and breaking your heart/spirit/self-confidence in a new way. Not that I have had the very well-known and commonplace pleasure of this happening to me, but then again I've only been a grown up for 2 years, so I'll give it time.

Okay even I have to admit I am coming off a little too jaded for my liking which I guess is at the root of my problem with all of this. You see I come from what I call the Disney/Cinderella generation. Which means grew up in the eighties and nineties watching entertaining yet vacuous piffle like the aformentioned Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, The Little Mermaid, Hercules, Hunchback of Notre Dame (boring) Pocahontas (okay at this point I was a little older than the target audience, so sue me).

Whereas my little sisters got A Bug's Life, Mulan, Tarzan (which was crap) and stuff that was a little less based solely on the big strong hero riding to the rescue and sweeping the beautiful but wholly incapable of self-sufficiency past the point of his greatness (Prince Charming/Beast/Eric - feel free to insert whatever name from the movie that resonated) Princess. And come on let's be honest, who doesn't want to be a Princess?

Alas us poor Generation Ys have grown up still being fed the fairytales and expected to now either be happy to be housewives since we now have Oprah and Dr. Phil to make us still feel like significant beings while we clean house and pop Prince Charming Jr III etc. Women can now read books, shop online and go to College part-time while they live in the suburbs and become boring, but slightly less frumpy than the women of the 50's, and have coffee at Starbucks.

While the men - who were mean crayon stealing boys at one point - get to do all the stuff that it has always been traditional for men to do and don't have to feel bad for it because their wives now have new middle class and accepted ways to achieve all they could be as said man's wife. So in real terms what does this mean? It means it is still a patriarchal society aka a man's world. Before I go any further I must confess I have some penis envy issues, which is... understandable, and goes to explain a lot. I always wanted either an older brother or to be a boy, seeing as I was the first born, the former was most definately out of the question.

Which takes me back to the patriarchal society comment --> no matter how independent a woman you are, deep down there is a part that believes in the fairytale and that there is a happily ever after. What this means is that you will always feel inferior, you can't sleep around like a man without other women thinking you're just a big hoe-bag with a saggy vaggy and no self-respecting upstanding example of society of a man will marry your ass, damaged goods and all! Unless like Eddie Murphy said, you move to another town and become shy. Even then you're playing a role to con someone to marry you and find you worthy enough to foist his faulty genes upon your uterus where they will grow and turn into a baby, which will in turn become your new raison d'être.

Neither can you have uninhibited urges and god forbid act on them because it is a. unseemly b. unladylike and a big black mark against your name if you ever want to get married. You can't be sexual as that will offend the upstanding married males that will be tempted to think of you in bed. You can't be too pushy and ambitious in the office place as it = female bosses are bitches and/or try too hard. And you most certainly can't just say whatever comes to mind bluntly, that too is unladylike and won't get you that happily ever after you either must obviously want or are too scared to admit you want.

Now on the subject of women sleeping around I have to admit I have mixed opinions, I can respect a woman who sleeps around like a man but I have to admit that I do tend to be disdainful of that kind of woman. Why? I don't really know, maybe because men are equipped to do the do whereas women are not. You see if you have a friend or a relation who is a manwhore it's kinda funny, and considered slightly cool. If you have a female friend or family member that carries on in such ways, you can't help but find it either pathetic or disgusting or both. And it is only after many conversations and attempts at burrowing into that person's psyche and understanding why they do these things that one might maybe be benevolent enough to accept it and not be so judgmental. But even then it only works on a case to case basis. Despite Samantha's efforts in Sex and the City I think the overall consensus is that there is such a thing as sleeping with too many men, something I have yet to hear applied to the opposite sex.

The good news is some of those stigmas are being shunned, people are getting married anywhere from their late twenties to late thirties nowadays. But less than others would have us believe, do this by choice. It's always a matter of "I woke up one morning and realised the best child-bearing years of my life were over and I hadn't been in a steady long-term relationship-". Yeah, remind me to thank the Big Man/Woman upstairs for giving our eggs a shelf-life, while men can perpetuate the species even in their seventies. How convenient. Don't get me wrong, I'm not crazy or trying to make it some big conspiracy, but the bottom line is our society is patriarchal and girls like me have a corner the size of a beer bottle top that wants that despite the numerous anvils that hit us on the heads telling us to wake up and smell the horsehit.

So men are born with the keys to the kingdom hanging on the mobile above their cribs, which maybe I could deal with better if these men weren't so flawed themselves. Men need younger women to make them feel manly, they also need to fantasize about the impossible like a threesome with two gorgeous lesbians. I'm pretty sure that lesbians by definition don't want anything to do with said man's stinky nether parts! But hey that's just me using that pesky white and gray matter in my head. They also need constant attention, pussyfooting and general coddling; which if you ask me is the real reason behind all the world's problems Mel Gibson!

Character studies are always the way to go I think. So here goes nothing.

The first guy that I had a non-relationship with, was jaded and street smart. He was also PHAT and alas he knew it. He liked me, I realised I liked him too but so did his best-friend, hmmm... not so cool, hey. To spice things up, I was visitng his family for the Christmas vacation in the year of our lord 1999. Long story short; he managed to make me feel like I was inadequate because I couldn't get him to stop competing with his best friend or with this image he had of himself and roll with it. See this dude was clever, he had his hoe-bags calling and it would coincide with when I would be around to pick up the phone. It didn't pan out so well for him I guess because I either called him on his bullshit or didn't care. To be completely honest this wasn't a game or whatever, I really am that straightforward, if it bugs me I'll call you on it, if it doesn't bug me then you'll know.

Then there was the sweeping me off my feet with making me breakfast and massaging my feet, flattering my various assets, you get the point. Thing is if a guy wants to get in your pants then you will most certainly have various assets which he can smoothly flatter while you buy the whole shit farm and start visualising yourselves walking down that Holy Grail trail of all stereotypical female fantasies = the aisle. Oh and lets not forget being openly personal space invading I mean affectionate in front of his Mother. - will get to the mother thing later, I promise.

Anyhoo, parading you in front of the number woman (Mom) in his life doesn't mean squat, if he's going to treat you like crap he will. Only thing is he may feel slightly guiltier about it, if his mother likes you. Which luckily for me she did. What that meant though was she was trying to make excuses for me and explaining how no girl had ever affected her son like this. Great, what do I care? I'd rather have him being nice to me consistently as opposed to this chicken-shit yo-yoing between liking me and stopping his best friend from making a move on me.

A few weeks later that travesty had run it's course and I was back in my hometown of the moment; Regina, SK. The experience meant I boarded my flight from O.T. with a small laptop sized bag of emotional baggage that I managed to shake like a year or so later. But don't worry I exchanged it for a much larger and permanent bag!

I dated a few guys over the next few years, nothing serious and I treated them mean which of course meant it kept them keen. It wasn't an act, I was seriously that unamused by my foray into the dangerous territory of teen romance that I decided the harsh treatment was to be doled out by me from then on. I think I did it for so long I bought it myself and anything that tried to get past those walls was thrown out with yesterday's trash.

You see fear for me is a very strong motivator. I don't like to wallow in self-pity (last month's behavior excluded), nor do I like to feel helpless, inadequate or like I have to justify myself to somebody else.

The next guy that seriously interrupted my flow was a French/Greek model (you know this is going to end badly), he liked me, he genuinely liked me for reasons I could not fathom. I mean he was a model when I met him and an ex-model by the time we started dating and no I had nothing to do with that. The modelling was interfering with his university work and he was in his final year. My man was beautiful, and I kid you not, a Greek God. However, I should have known something was wrong with him when he showed interest in me (joking-sort of). I decided to ignore that warning sign and skipped merrily along in the leaves with the birds chirping in the background like they do in the t.v. commercials. We were okay for awhile then as it does, shit happens. The long and short of it was I ended up tearing him a new one for reasons that sounded good at the time but weren't exactly founded on any cold hard facts. Not that it mattered we were so over by then. Anyhoo, what did he do that was so bad? Umm let's see... I can't exactly explain it but all I know was that I learned the lesson that good-looking men are bad. Hmm why does this sound familiar? Oh yes because wasn't I supposed to have learned that lesson a few years ago? Well one would think so wouldn't they??? Seriously, sometimes I wonder how I am still breathing due to my stupidity!

Then there was the oh-SO-BORING guy from Scotland who quite frankly came from a different planet from me and yet I still tolerated him. Why? Because it is nice to have a member of the opposite sex hang on your every word and think you're the funniest thing since Mike Myers did the first two Austin Powers movies. The third one doesn't count cause it kinda sucked. That is until the shit hit the fan and I am currently still recovering from the fallout. The scars left by that one are numerous and I have no one to blame for most of them but myself.

In conclusion, all men are bastards and women are no better because we put ourselves through the horse-shit all the time. And I haven't even touched on their stereotypes of us --> cuddling! Ugh how vile. Whoever told men that all women like to cuddle is very lucky that they are long gone to another place, otherwise I would have been seriously tempted to help them there myself. I'm female, I am a product of the Cinderella/Disney Movie generation, okay fine, maybe some of the teachings didn't resonate powerfully enough with me or mesh with my personality but I'm still a woman. I don't like to be cuddled, in fact I don't even like hugging and I absolutely abhor PDA! I don't have a problem expressing negative sentiment but I will admit I may have some slight issues expressing the positive. But that doesn't mean I don't want some worthy male to be that way with me (on special occasions and blue moons). Whatever, I am on a personal mission to turn all those unfair stereotypes on their ear. And while we're getting rid of stereotypes, perhaps they (meaning men) can try and do something about their need to be babysat, their ambivalence to just how hard it is to be a woman and also work on their general lack of understanding of women. Okay the last one is not completely fair since there is plenty to be said about female lack of understanding of men. Seriously, it's a good thing we procreate which diverts some of the attention from the relationship and instead focuses it on the "next generation" - maskin.

So in conclusion, I now have a new motto, no boysIImen for me, I'll just take the man, and he has to challenge me while worshipping me simultaneously, and I promise I will try to do the same. What can I say, I would like to be a cold hearted member of the species who sees everything in black and white, bla bla, however, I was born before that became truly possible, and besides as an only child growing up, I guess I'm just not made of that kinda stuff. Further compounded by the fact that I am at least conversational in legalese, which doesn't know the meaning of set in stone. Hey man as long as it is still on the market, might as well buy the bull or horse shitfarm, revel in my infallibility and live somewhat happily ever after. -- After all that ranting didn't see that coming huh?

Peace I'm out.

Why else would they call it French kissing?

August 06 2006

So I went out last night with two of my favorite people and their friends. Well actually it was more like one friend's friends' cousins and shit. Anyhoo! I had a blast, the venue was Kensington Roof Gardens and it was pretty impressive. On a roof with gardens and music and wine and bars and the standard nightclub part inside with a dancefloor.

It was awesome, I have a new boyfriend now! He's fabulous, and I love him. He loves to dance just like me and we are so on the same wavelength. He's going to be a Dr. Or if life works out the way he wants it, a party planner. Yeah right. Anyhoo, we danced all night. And made everyone around us jealous because of our chemistry and killer moves. Of course since he's so perfect he's only around for a week before he goes back to DC. BORING, I know.

Anyhoo, there was this scene with a bartender where he acted a fool and I called him on his bullshit. The matter wasn't resolved really, and when we were leaving my friend went up to the bartender and apologised for my behavior. Well actually, I went up to the bartender and started giving him an earful, he wasn't having it and neither was I. So then my friend interrupted and offered to pay for the drinks I allegedly tried to sneak off with!

Okay, I did try to walk away with them but only because he was being a prick. I started my order and he walks off, comes back five minutes later with two of my drinks then fucks off to serve some next bitches while I'm still waiting!! Like the fool that I am I stand there waiting for him to pay me some attention and like hear the rest of my order and/or ask me to hand over some money, and I turned to my friend who I call Span because that is her name - and it is rude not to call people by their names - and she said let's just go. I have to say I wrestled internally with the morality of such an act but since the asshole was still not paying me any attention, I decided to do just that. Well, IncompetenceRUs ran after me and had the nerve to say, "Sorry, it doesn't work that way." Like WTF?!? Cocky piece of you know what. If I was really trying to steal the bastard drinks - 2 standard drinks by the way - I would have been a lot faster and stealthier about it than that! And I would have gone for something a little more interesting than gin and tonic & vodka and cranberry.

So back to the post-altercation, altercation... My friend MD (Span's older brother) tells the inexplicably outraged (to an inordinate extent) bartender that he'll beat me for my breach of the bartender/ punter code. Which had me literally screaming with laughter. IRUs took it to mean that I was afraid, I may be biased but I dont't think he was that bright. So he steps in feeling all self-important as MD actually starts to unbuckle his belt and says, "No, there's no need for that, she paid, and the matter is finished." --> Like who the hell does he think he is and how many incompetent bartenders use the word "matter" in a sentence which doesn't begin with "It doesn't".

Anyhoo, eventually MD and I tired of the new improv game we'd devised ExcitetheIncompetentBartender so we went home.

Today, I paid for all my reckless imbibing of wine and gin because I was so hungover my brain was actually aching everythime I had to think. Yeah, something about karma hey? This is why I try to walk on the bright side of the moral line. I don't think it was karma regarding IdiotBartender I think it's karma because I made fun of two strapping blonde-haired lads that were trying to pick me up. Not in a bad way, but in a I've had too much gin and I don't think you're attractive so I really can't be bothered to entertain you kind of way. Yeah I recall telling one of them that I was bored by his lifestory, and asked if he was the only gay in the village. --> I laugh and cringe at the memory too.

That's all for now, I thought I would impart some upbeat shit as opposed to constant bitching about this that or the other.

And yes, I shouldn't get drunk on gin, I'm far too narcissistic on it.

Sprechen zie Legalese?

August 02 2006

So I started my first full day in a law firm today… yes, I know! A real law firm! It’s not a training contract (which for those of you who aren’t in the know, means the keys to the kingdom), but it is most definitely a step in the right direction.
Well, the Solicitor I’m working for is awesome, he’s British and old school and eccentric. I love it. However, the not knowing what I’m doing and feeling like I’ve got a speaking part in someone else’s - bizarro world - dream is not so much a fave of mine.
There’s all these forms to fill, law to remember, practical things to learn, files to file… oh the files! But inshallah I will learn faster rather than slower, and Lord knows I hate not knowing stuff! Which probably explains my attitude problem and overall general dislike of most things. Like I said before, I’m not bitter. What have I got to be bitter about? Life’s a miraculous song! In fact I feel one bursting in my chest and ready to spill out of my merry luscious lips! And I think a feel a dance coming on too.

There will be no burning of the bras today

July 30 2006

A little light humor a great article about men and Neandrathals:!52EB3DC7626E3072!128.entry


July 28 2006

So I went out for dinner tonight with two of my favorite people, I had a blast and we talked and ate and drank in this quaint Italian restaurant until the place was close to shutting. I won't say more about these people except that I feel very comfortable around them and look forward to meeting up with either/or both of them whenever, wherever.

They. are. that. cool. --> It also helps that we've known each other since I was a tween-ager! Well I've known one of them since then and the other was just the subject of my, quite frankly, very chaste tween - teenage girl fantasies. Which kinda went like this, "Oh My God its ---- 's Older Brother! He is so hot and tortured (which he later told me = stoned. As in that's what he was, most of the times I was thinking he was a modern day Lord Byron/Kurt Kobain. I know, crazy hey! Don't you miss those days? The innocence, the naiveté! Alas!!!)

Anyhoo, I had an epiphany on the fickleness of friendships; more like a snide observation but you say potato, I say poh-tay-to! So here's my theory, most "friends" are only interested in you the way people are interested in today's hottest celebrity. The fact that other people are monopolizing your social life, and think you're great, makes for good publicity and everyone wants to go for a ride on the new pony du jour.

The minute the media frenzy (the people who think you're their new BFF) dies down which is usually after the 15 minutes of fame are over... they don't want to know you. Which is fine for you too because the lustre has worn off and they aren't as great and flawless as you thought. That said, what the hell, I miss 'those' friends, which I have had PLENTY off over the years.

I've had a few glasses of Pinot Grigiot so forgive my foray into dangerous personal emotional territory. But the fact is I miss those people, although we have long outlived the usefulness quota in each other's lives, there's nothing like a few glasses of wine to have you reminscing and wishing for a few minutes, hours (however long it takes for the alcohol to wear off) that you weren't so finicky or self-preserving and those good ol' days when the honeymoon was just beginning were happening now.

Okay I just spent ten minutes looking for my purse which was right next to me all along. I think I will end this before I embarass myself further.

Before I go I just have a few things to say:
1. I can't believe my Mom has a better social life than me.
2. I miss my ol' fickle friends because quite frankly we had some DAMN GOOD times.
3. CANADA ROCKS and I miss it SO MUCH!! -- AND all the good people I know that are in it.

Politicians stink

July 24 2006

Okay, I've been holding off for a couple days because I needed to calm down from all this jibber jabbing happening in the US and the Middle East.
No matter what people say, the bottom line is that INNOCENT PEOPLE are DYING! Unfortunately none of these politicians seem to care.
So what's my beef? Where to begin, honestly!

ap·a·thy (p-th)n.
Lack of interest, concern, or emotion; indifference.

Source: The American Heritage® Stedman's Medical DictionaryCopyright © 2002, 2001, 1995 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company.

So now that we know we're talking about the same thing, I shall proceed. I loathe the apathy demonstrated by this bloody travesty in Lebanon. The US doesn't care, period. Neither does the rest of the "civilized" world. And the Arabian brethren aren't doing a very good job of setting themselves apart from the, quite frankly, expected and predictable Western reaction.
I was reading Monday's issue of The Times and there's reports of well, unprovoked slaughter, Israeli choppers bombing easily distinguishable civilians and civilian vehicles that are "leaving the South like they were told to by Israeli fliers before the onslaught began"!

Hmm... THEN the Israeli soldiers have the cojones to claim that Hezbollah militants are "well prepared and must have been planning this for years", bla bla bla bla. Okay, not to be Jane StatetheObvious here, but, wasn't that kind of a given? I mean, would HZ have provoked the sleeping cranky bear that is Israel because they'd stumbled on a box of missiles? Or is it just another roundabout way of saying, they didn't think HZ would be smart enough to learn from the failures of the past and actually train an army as opposed to whatever methods they used before? Or is it just another propaganda move to show how they are justified in doing this, and that HZ is not really a scraggly bunch of disgruntled 'ragheads' --> I don't think of them that way but certain people do.

Here's what I say to that;
1. Haha you might have underestimated them this time
2. see number 1
3. You are not justified, you can NEVER justify indiscriminate carnage and destruction
4. I'm pretty sure the entire Lebanese population does not = HZ

And here's where Western indifference really shows through, because it is not only immoral but it is absolutely ridiculous that simply because it's not happening in the West they shouldn't rouse themselves to actually doing anything. I mean everyone knows that innocent people in the West will suffer in the future for this! So it is in their best interests to do something!

And I personally don't think I want to live in anymore fear than I currently do. Everytime I get on a tube and it stops suddenly in a tunnel (which is more often than I'd like) I feel powerless and I hate to feel powerless. But it's the same thing when I get on a bus, especially double deckers. Anyhoo that is a subject for another day, but the bottom line is, violence begets violence which kills innocent people and untold neverending suffering which begets violence which begets more violence and... you get the point.

But I guess the point is, all the countries that have been victims of terrorism or sent their young off to Iraq (uh huh that's another topic for another day) or Afghanistan and haven't come back are not so secretly cheering Israel on. Let's forget the fact that Lebanon actually has a government and is a nation in the processes of rebuilding after the devastation of the last 20 odd years of bloodshed.

My favorite irony of all of course being Cond. Rice's "surprise" (in the sense that it wasn't cause it was all over the news headlines this weekend before it happened) visit to the Middle East which culminated with that oh-so awkward picture with her and the Lebanese Prime Minister. Shout out to Jon Stewart's Daily Show for picking up on that.

It's nice to know that the world learned valuable lifechanging lessons from oh say, JENIN! Anyhoo, onwards and upwards to my next point.

The conflict in Lebanon reminds me of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, out of all the atrocities in WWII there were people who felt that it was better to drop the bomb as far away from the West as possible. (All of y'all who paid attention in Leopold's IB history class know what I'm talking about). Or maybe it's the entire Middle East which represents those two doomed cities. Hmmm... I don't think I need to say anymore than that.

Lastly, there's the inaction of everyone but Syria, I'm not saying that Syria should support and/or terrorism but this is not about HZ anymore (in my opinion) it's about Lebanon. And at least someone might help take the heat off those poor folks over there, and force Israel to stop being such a bully, sit down and talk like the so-called 'civilized folk' they claim to be.
I think I'm done for now so feel free to click on the link below!


Israelis face determined foe - Mideast/N. Africa -

Here's another one - more recent from the BBC website:

Four United Nations peacekeepers have been killed in an Israeli air strike on an observation post in south Lebanon.
UN Secretary General Kofi Annan said he was "shocked" at the "apparently deliberate targeting" of the post. Israel has expressed "deep regret".
Hezbollah's leader, Hassan Nasrallah, has vowed the group would continue its rocket attacks on Israel.
Israel earlier said it would control an area in southern Lebanon until international forces deployed.
The force will be discussed at crisis talks to be held in Rome on Wednesday.
Observers sheltering US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice will be at
the talks after ending her tour of the Middle East on Tuesday.
More than 380 Lebanese and 42 Israelis have died in nearly two weeks of conflict in Lebanon,which began after Hezbollah captured two Israeli soldiers in a cross-border raid on 12 July.
The UN in Lebanon says the Israeli air force destroyed the observer post, in which four military observers were sheltering.
FOR MORE see the actual website:

WAR what is it good for? Absolutely nothing!

July 22 2006

Okay so I don't need to tell anybody unless they live in a hole in some remote part of the Amazon or Sahara, that Israel is going to war with Lebanon.

That's right WAR and with LEBANON, and not for example Hezbollah who's the guilty party (if there is such a thing - don't get me wrong I'm not saying I support terrorism at all).

This pisses me off, actually let me rephrase that, this INFURIATES ME. A country that had just gotten back on it's feet and had people going back home to settle in and rebuild, is being decimated for NO GOOD REASON. Why do I say that? Am I being inflammatory? I think not.

Every single country on the planet, now has terrorists. I don't see how that gives Israel the right to go into Lebanon and arbitrarily kill people and destroy an ENTIRE COUNTRY, just because of one terrorist group. I mean with all their high tech military stuff couldn't they just find the areas that show terrorist activity and blast those?

Do they have to raze the entire country to get the alleged people their after? I am beginning to suspect there's more afoot than we the general public are being told.

From where I'm standing it looks a whole lot like grandstanding and bullying to me, but what the hell do I know?

That's all for now, I'm going to lie down until all the enraged feelings go away or kill me.

"I'm going to take a stand and say that vampires are bad."

To quote Xander from BTVS!

July 16, 2006

So I’ve thought about doing this for a while, not because I think my life is oh so incredibly interesting or anything, but because interesting or not I do think it does deserve to be recorded.

So here goes nothing… I don’t necessarily see myself as a early twenties Bridget Jones but then I again I don’t not. So that makes no sense whatsoever, but bear with me please.

I have a shitty job, that I hate… it’s only a temporary I swear. I have a law degree and no law job, I work for EvilIncorporated well not really, but at the moment that’s what it feels like anyway.

Sometimes I feel like I have no friends, well that’s not completely true but it sure feels like it most of the time! I live in London, one of the loneliest cities in the world if you ask me. A friend of mine told me that and I disagreed, now... not so much! Why? Why do I say that? Well because it’s so big and everyone has their own problems and stuff to deal with, but that’s true about any big city right? No what makes London so lonely is that you can make friends in an instant and lose them just as fast. Be that as it may, I love the fact that you can meet people from all over the world, any day, every day, they can light up your life (yeah I know typing this makes me wanna gag too) and hopefully you can too for whatever period of time and you can feel great.

Now is not one of those times, now is one of those times that would make everyone who lives in a small town, smirk with smug self-satisfaction that they don’t have to live in this kind of world because they’ve known everyone since they were in the womb! Pah fucking boring I say! Or maybe I’m just jealous, yeah I pick the latter, bastard inbreeding bumpkins.

One might think I’m going through a rough-patch, and I am. It's that stage in your life where you kinda hate everyone who seems to have it more together than you, because you're too busy feeling sorry for yourself, for no particular reason. In conclusion: I am going through my third or fourth mid-year crisis in so many years. That is when you’re technically not old enough to be having mid-life crises but you are most definitely old enough not to see the world through rose-tinted glasses, which is I guess over the age of 12. I’m not bitter, cynical, hating or any of the words that spring Patty and Selma from the Simpsons to mind, really. My best-friend once described me as day old coffee; cold and bitter. I think that was an astute observation, and by the time I finish updating y’all on my life you’ll see why.

The intention is to continue writing this until I finally find that silver lining I’m looking for. Guess I’ll be writing this for a while huh?