Sunday, September 16, 2007

Is there a big market for horseshit these days?

August 25

I don't know but I hear that it tastes just like bullshit. And that alongside with euphemisms, and the law I have a degree in.

So while we're on the subject, might as well talk about my opinion on men. Don't worry for all y'all who know me, there will be no surpises. Men. Why men? Simply because they are the bane of my existence. They lie, they are crazy, they'll hump anything that walks and they stink (most of them) and this is the only the literal stuff. But my main bone of contention is the way you never know what kind of man you got until after the honeymoon.

I mean, with me what you see is what you get, raging bitca with a heart of gold or so I'd like to think. A little aside on my personality: I am not very good at doing the fake thing, I grew up as an only child which naturally translates to grew up wihth an overinflated sense of self. Something which to my defence was borne out of not having any other kids my age to be around long enough to make me doubt and/or hate myself in those vital character building years.

I am not judging but I think that kids that grow up with siblings are way crueller (is that a word? probably not) or have the propensity to pure unadulterated cruelty at a greater percentage than anything us only children can ever achieve. It's science. I watched a show on the Discovery channel (which means its true) and it was on sharks. Apparently, sharks are born alone but they share the womb (or whatever it is) with another, however, they eat their gestation-mates before birth and that is how they are born with the killer instinct. Seriously, they had a camera in the shark's womb and that's what happened!

Children that grow up with siblings, develop a similar instinct in my opinion. So anyhoo, back to my main point this means that I (naturally) have a heart of gold. To be honest with you I don't really know what that means but I'm pretty sure it means that my heart is solid, shiny, cold and precious.

Moving on back to the sujet du jour, MEN. You have to excuse me if I come off sounding bitter but I'm a grown up now, which means that the world of boys and girls is no longer as easy or fun as it used to be. Now instead of him stealing your crayon and breaking it, he's stealing your best friend and breaking your heart/spirit/self-confidence in a new way. Not that I have had the very well-known and commonplace pleasure of this happening to me, but then again I've only been a grown up for 2 years, so I'll give it time.

Okay even I have to admit I am coming off a little too jaded for my liking which I guess is at the root of my problem with all of this. You see I come from what I call the Disney/Cinderella generation. Which means grew up in the eighties and nineties watching entertaining yet vacuous piffle like the aformentioned Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, The Little Mermaid, Hercules, Hunchback of Notre Dame (boring) Pocahontas (okay at this point I was a little older than the target audience, so sue me).

Whereas my little sisters got A Bug's Life, Mulan, Tarzan (which was crap) and stuff that was a little less based solely on the big strong hero riding to the rescue and sweeping the beautiful but wholly incapable of self-sufficiency past the point of his greatness (Prince Charming/Beast/Eric - feel free to insert whatever name from the movie that resonated) Princess. And come on let's be honest, who doesn't want to be a Princess?

Alas us poor Generation Ys have grown up still being fed the fairytales and expected to now either be happy to be housewives since we now have Oprah and Dr. Phil to make us still feel like significant beings while we clean house and pop Prince Charming Jr III etc. Women can now read books, shop online and go to College part-time while they live in the suburbs and become boring, but slightly less frumpy than the women of the 50's, and have coffee at Starbucks.

While the men - who were mean crayon stealing boys at one point - get to do all the stuff that it has always been traditional for men to do and don't have to feel bad for it because their wives now have new middle class and accepted ways to achieve all they could be as said man's wife. So in real terms what does this mean? It means it is still a patriarchal society aka a man's world. Before I go any further I must confess I have some penis envy issues, which is... understandable, and goes to explain a lot. I always wanted either an older brother or to be a boy, seeing as I was the first born, the former was most definately out of the question.

Which takes me back to the patriarchal society comment --> no matter how independent a woman you are, deep down there is a part that believes in the fairytale and that there is a happily ever after. What this means is that you will always feel inferior, you can't sleep around like a man without other women thinking you're just a big hoe-bag with a saggy vaggy and no self-respecting upstanding example of society of a man will marry your ass, damaged goods and all! Unless like Eddie Murphy said, you move to another town and become shy. Even then you're playing a role to con someone to marry you and find you worthy enough to foist his faulty genes upon your uterus where they will grow and turn into a baby, which will in turn become your new raison d'être.

Neither can you have uninhibited urges and god forbid act on them because it is a. unseemly b. unladylike and a big black mark against your name if you ever want to get married. You can't be sexual as that will offend the upstanding married males that will be tempted to think of you in bed. You can't be too pushy and ambitious in the office place as it = female bosses are bitches and/or try too hard. And you most certainly can't just say whatever comes to mind bluntly, that too is unladylike and won't get you that happily ever after you either must obviously want or are too scared to admit you want.

Now on the subject of women sleeping around I have to admit I have mixed opinions, I can respect a woman who sleeps around like a man but I have to admit that I do tend to be disdainful of that kind of woman. Why? I don't really know, maybe because men are equipped to do the do whereas women are not. You see if you have a friend or a relation who is a manwhore it's kinda funny, and considered slightly cool. If you have a female friend or family member that carries on in such ways, you can't help but find it either pathetic or disgusting or both. And it is only after many conversations and attempts at burrowing into that person's psyche and understanding why they do these things that one might maybe be benevolent enough to accept it and not be so judgmental. But even then it only works on a case to case basis. Despite Samantha's efforts in Sex and the City I think the overall consensus is that there is such a thing as sleeping with too many men, something I have yet to hear applied to the opposite sex.

The good news is some of those stigmas are being shunned, people are getting married anywhere from their late twenties to late thirties nowadays. But less than others would have us believe, do this by choice. It's always a matter of "I woke up one morning and realised the best child-bearing years of my life were over and I hadn't been in a steady long-term relationship-". Yeah, remind me to thank the Big Man/Woman upstairs for giving our eggs a shelf-life, while men can perpetuate the species even in their seventies. How convenient. Don't get me wrong, I'm not crazy or trying to make it some big conspiracy, but the bottom line is our society is patriarchal and girls like me have a corner the size of a beer bottle top that wants that despite the numerous anvils that hit us on the heads telling us to wake up and smell the horsehit.

So men are born with the keys to the kingdom hanging on the mobile above their cribs, which maybe I could deal with better if these men weren't so flawed themselves. Men need younger women to make them feel manly, they also need to fantasize about the impossible like a threesome with two gorgeous lesbians. I'm pretty sure that lesbians by definition don't want anything to do with said man's stinky nether parts! But hey that's just me using that pesky white and gray matter in my head. They also need constant attention, pussyfooting and general coddling; which if you ask me is the real reason behind all the world's problems Mel Gibson!

Character studies are always the way to go I think. So here goes nothing.

The first guy that I had a non-relationship with, was jaded and street smart. He was also PHAT and alas he knew it. He liked me, I realised I liked him too but so did his best-friend, hmmm... not so cool, hey. To spice things up, I was visitng his family for the Christmas vacation in the year of our lord 1999. Long story short; he managed to make me feel like I was inadequate because I couldn't get him to stop competing with his best friend or with this image he had of himself and roll with it. See this dude was clever, he had his hoe-bags calling and it would coincide with when I would be around to pick up the phone. It didn't pan out so well for him I guess because I either called him on his bullshit or didn't care. To be completely honest this wasn't a game or whatever, I really am that straightforward, if it bugs me I'll call you on it, if it doesn't bug me then you'll know.

Then there was the sweeping me off my feet with making me breakfast and massaging my feet, flattering my various assets, you get the point. Thing is if a guy wants to get in your pants then you will most certainly have various assets which he can smoothly flatter while you buy the whole shit farm and start visualising yourselves walking down that Holy Grail trail of all stereotypical female fantasies = the aisle. Oh and lets not forget being openly personal space invading I mean affectionate in front of his Mother. - will get to the mother thing later, I promise.

Anyhoo, parading you in front of the number woman (Mom) in his life doesn't mean squat, if he's going to treat you like crap he will. Only thing is he may feel slightly guiltier about it, if his mother likes you. Which luckily for me she did. What that meant though was she was trying to make excuses for me and explaining how no girl had ever affected her son like this. Great, what do I care? I'd rather have him being nice to me consistently as opposed to this chicken-shit yo-yoing between liking me and stopping his best friend from making a move on me.

A few weeks later that travesty had run it's course and I was back in my hometown of the moment; Regina, SK. The experience meant I boarded my flight from O.T. with a small laptop sized bag of emotional baggage that I managed to shake like a year or so later. But don't worry I exchanged it for a much larger and permanent bag!

I dated a few guys over the next few years, nothing serious and I treated them mean which of course meant it kept them keen. It wasn't an act, I was seriously that unamused by my foray into the dangerous territory of teen romance that I decided the harsh treatment was to be doled out by me from then on. I think I did it for so long I bought it myself and anything that tried to get past those walls was thrown out with yesterday's trash.

You see fear for me is a very strong motivator. I don't like to wallow in self-pity (last month's behavior excluded), nor do I like to feel helpless, inadequate or like I have to justify myself to somebody else.

The next guy that seriously interrupted my flow was a French/Greek model (you know this is going to end badly), he liked me, he genuinely liked me for reasons I could not fathom. I mean he was a model when I met him and an ex-model by the time we started dating and no I had nothing to do with that. The modelling was interfering with his university work and he was in his final year. My man was beautiful, and I kid you not, a Greek God. However, I should have known something was wrong with him when he showed interest in me (joking-sort of). I decided to ignore that warning sign and skipped merrily along in the leaves with the birds chirping in the background like they do in the t.v. commercials. We were okay for awhile then as it does, shit happens. The long and short of it was I ended up tearing him a new one for reasons that sounded good at the time but weren't exactly founded on any cold hard facts. Not that it mattered we were so over by then. Anyhoo, what did he do that was so bad? Umm let's see... I can't exactly explain it but all I know was that I learned the lesson that good-looking men are bad. Hmm why does this sound familiar? Oh yes because wasn't I supposed to have learned that lesson a few years ago? Well one would think so wouldn't they??? Seriously, sometimes I wonder how I am still breathing due to my stupidity!

Then there was the oh-SO-BORING guy from Scotland who quite frankly came from a different planet from me and yet I still tolerated him. Why? Because it is nice to have a member of the opposite sex hang on your every word and think you're the funniest thing since Mike Myers did the first two Austin Powers movies. The third one doesn't count cause it kinda sucked. That is until the shit hit the fan and I am currently still recovering from the fallout. The scars left by that one are numerous and I have no one to blame for most of them but myself.

In conclusion, all men are bastards and women are no better because we put ourselves through the horse-shit all the time. And I haven't even touched on their stereotypes of us --> cuddling! Ugh how vile. Whoever told men that all women like to cuddle is very lucky that they are long gone to another place, otherwise I would have been seriously tempted to help them there myself. I'm female, I am a product of the Cinderella/Disney Movie generation, okay fine, maybe some of the teachings didn't resonate powerfully enough with me or mesh with my personality but I'm still a woman. I don't like to be cuddled, in fact I don't even like hugging and I absolutely abhor PDA! I don't have a problem expressing negative sentiment but I will admit I may have some slight issues expressing the positive. But that doesn't mean I don't want some worthy male to be that way with me (on special occasions and blue moons). Whatever, I am on a personal mission to turn all those unfair stereotypes on their ear. And while we're getting rid of stereotypes, perhaps they (meaning men) can try and do something about their need to be babysat, their ambivalence to just how hard it is to be a woman and also work on their general lack of understanding of women. Okay the last one is not completely fair since there is plenty to be said about female lack of understanding of men. Seriously, it's a good thing we procreate which diverts some of the attention from the relationship and instead focuses it on the "next generation" - maskin.

So in conclusion, I now have a new motto, no boysIImen for me, I'll just take the man, and he has to challenge me while worshipping me simultaneously, and I promise I will try to do the same. What can I say, I would like to be a cold hearted member of the species who sees everything in black and white, bla bla, however, I was born before that became truly possible, and besides as an only child growing up, I guess I'm just not made of that kinda stuff. Further compounded by the fact that I am at least conversational in legalese, which doesn't know the meaning of set in stone. Hey man as long as it is still on the market, might as well buy the bull or horse shitfarm, revel in my infallibility and live somewhat happily ever after. -- After all that ranting didn't see that coming huh?

Peace I'm out.

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