August 26 2006
God, I'm only 23 and already people are dying like we're middle aged or something. I had to post in here because this latest death has upset me greatly. I heard about it this morning although it happened a week ago and all I feel is bad inside. I feel guilty, because I was so caught up in day to day things and my own mini-dramas that I never got the chance to look up an old friend and find out what was new. I'd known the latest casualty of war (against death) since I was in the fifth grade. God even now, that is a very long time ago, let alone in the years to come. Well J and I had one of those friendships borne out of sarcasm and general self-arrogance. We shared a secret belief we were smarter and funnier than everyone else around us and we never hesitated to indulge in our guilty pleasure of making fun of everything and anything we bloody well felt like.
He was also really smart and his Mom was my sixth grade science teacher, who incidentally, saw me as a very bright but easily distracted and sociable child prodigy. Okay so I am exxagerating about the child prodigy part but you get the picture, I amused and frustrated her. You see all day today I have been alternating between sadness, tears, laughter and soul-weariness at the thought of our childhood and the memories we shared. Then I think of his Mom who obviously loved him so much and what she must be going through.
I mean just the other day I was thinking about him and how we were both comically bitter about the casting for the school play Blood Brothers because we didn't get any lead parts, whereas the year before I was Tallulah to his Bugsy Malone. Man we used to crack up everytime we rehearsed the line, "You're aces Bugsy, you know that?" - Because it always sounded like I was saying, "You're racist Bugsy, you know that?" And he would always kind of be uncomfortable with that scene because I was stroking his leg and acting all sex-kittenish while he delivered the line, "Careful Tallulah, you're racing my motor."
Ahh the good old days, damn I can't believe him and I will never get together again and laugh about those times, or talk about everyone else and where they ended up. He would have been so amused to find out I'm going to be a lawyer seeing as I always wanted to be an actress. - Go figure, lawyers are statistically known for being repressed actors. Although he may have heard it through the grapevine that I was studying the law. You see, this is exactly what I mean about feeling terrible about not making a more concerted effort to keep in touch with everyone that mattered. I mean, it's just unacceptable!
He used to live in a nice neighborhood next to a well known restaurant called Rickshaw which he always promised me we'd go to but in my five years in Dar-es-salaam I never stepped foot in! And he used to do the funniest imitations of people, seriously! Just this Monday I was going through old pictures and I saw him and thought to myself, "I haven't heard about him or what he's up to in forever, I really should find out."
I can't help but feel bitter and rail at the Fates for this, I'm only human. And even if I hadn't seen him in a while, I feel cheated of the chance to have done so in the future. Cheated and sad and I will continue to feel like this for awhile; at least tomorrow I'm going to a pseudo-memorial thingy for him here in London. I just can't believe this is happening now, I mean you expect this kinda stuff to happen when you're middle aged, not now!
Well anyways in the words of Puff Daddy, "Reminisce sometime the night they took my friend." -- He'd love that, seeing as we were all (including others at the time) obsessed with that song back in the 9th grade.
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